


That I'm Alone

by poisonedxyouth



Series: Shadows Will Scream [2]
Category: Fall Out Boy, Halsey (Musician), My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots, Tyler Joseph - Fandom
Genre: Anxious Tyler, Band Fic, College Student Tyler, Drummer Josh, Josh and Tyler are whipped, Josh gets in fights, Josh kind of has a crisis at one point, Josh makes Tyler come to his gigs, Lots of Original Characters - Freeform, M/M, POV Alternating, Protective Josh Dun, Sad Tyler Joseph, Sleepy Cuddles, Soft Tyler Joseph, Still Super in Love, They're apart a lot, Touring, Tyler has a better relationship with his mom, Tyler sends Josh his demos, cute as hell, kinda some manipulation in a few parts, missing each other, one guy is kind of a douche, recovering Tyler
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-03-04 21:08:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13373097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poisonedxyouth/pseuds/poisonedxyouth
Summary: “If you need me,” Josh murmured, “I’m here. You know that?”In which two boys have to decide what the hell they want to do with their lives, all while trying to keep themselves and their relationship intact.(Sequel to Shadows Will Scream)





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> HI!!
> 
> Sorry for how long this has taken to come out, I don't always have motivation and I've got a lot of stuff going on but I really want to get this underway. In saying that I'm going away for two weeks from tomorrow so there might not be any more updates for a while.
> 
> Anyway, I'm really excited for this sequel considering how much I loved writing the first one. This will be a li'l bit different than Shadows Will Scream- I wanted to experiment with mainly new characters and a really different storyline. Hope you like it :):):)

**December 1st, one year later**

Tyler's POV

_ Where the hell was everyone? _

Tyler frowned to himself as he weaved his way through a hallway of tired teenagers to his locker, hoisting his bag further onto his shoulder. He couldn’t have been imagining how all of his friends seemed to have been avoiding him most of the day. Well, they’d all made sure to say happy birthday to him, of course. Brendon had been the first to scope him out before first period. “Here you go,” he’d said, placing a massive “six today” badge in Tyler’s hand. “For the birthday boy.”

“Brendon…”

“And you have to wear it,” he’d interrupted. “Else I’ll cry. And nobody wants that to happen.”

“I don’t know. That’d be a pretty great present.”

“Heartless,” Brendon muttered. “The boys absolutely heartless.”

Tyler rolled his eyes as he reached his locker, glancing down at the badge now pinned neatly to his shirt. So where were they all now? Surely they wouldn’t just abandon him on his birthday - his eighteenth, at that. Josh had seemed so hyped all week, and now…

With a sigh, Tyler fished his phone out of his back pocket and opened his messages. He was just about to type out a text to Josh when he spotted Brendon weaving through the crush of students towards Tyler, a grin splitting his face.

“Tyler!” he screeched as he approached. “There you are!”

Tyler breathed a sigh of relief, smiling as Brendon skidded to a stop in front of him. “Hey,” he began, shoving his phone back into his pocket. “Where’ve you guys been? And have you seen Josh? It’s just, I didn’t see him all last period and-“

Brendon rolled his eyes, tugging Tyler behind him towards the exit. Tyler had no choice but to stumble along behind him confusedly. “Man, the two of you are disgustingly whipped. And if you’re wondering, Josh decided to skip last period to work on some last minute touch ups. A genuine American hero, if you ask me.” Brendon shrugged.

“Touch ups on what?”

“You’ll see, Ty-Ty,” he said as they reached the school gate. “Now, you have the choice of being chauffeured by either me or Ashley, and not to be dramatic but you love me, like, ten times more. Plus she has to stop at Walgreens to pick up some extra things, so, you know. Up to you.”

“Uh-“

“Oh, there’s Ryan!” Brendon waved to the boy from the other side of the car park. “Hurry up pretty boy, the quicker we are the more time we have to partyyyy.”

“Oh. Ohhhhh.” Tyler rolled his eyes as he slid into the backseat. Of course that was what was going on. How hadn’t he realised?

“Oh yeah, Tyler. What a surprise, huh? And I was in charge of the playlist, so you better be fuckin' excited. Oh yeah, and Dallon got a shit load of alcohol from his dad’s work. Are you ready for the best night of your life?”

“I think I am. Uh, we’re… drinking?” Tyler frowned.

Brendon rolled his eyes. “There’s a good reason to get drunk on your eighteenth birthday honey, you just haven’t thought of it yet.”

Ryan turned round to face Tyler, discreetly pulling a face. Tyler just smiled half-heartedly back. He couldn’t deny he was feeling a little overwhelmed. Yeah. Brendon was like that.

Not only that, but it was a little hard for him to believe that he was actually eighteen years old. A senior. An  _adult_. His mom had woken him up late for school that morning; she'd cooked pancakes for him and his siblings, and had been secretive enough to say that his present would have to wait until after school. At this rate, he was guessing that meant tomorrow. 

Anyway. Another birthday. It had been playing on his mind a lot for some reason. It wasn’t that he was surprised he’d made it this far. Well, maybe a little. But Josh had helped him grow out of those thoughts a while ago. He looked around him, at two of his best friends laughing in the front with Oasis playing on the radio, windows rolled down as Brendon yelled the lyrics to Wonderwall, and those thoughts didn’t seem to really fit anymore.

A smile crept onto his face as he slowly leant forward, elbows resting on the middle compartment. “So where are we going? Who’s coming? When can I know the juicy deets?”

Ryan snorted. “We’ll tell you the ‘juicy deets’ if you promise to never use the phrase ‘juicy deets’ ever again.”

Tyler pouted in mock outrage, hands shoved in the pockets of his sweatpants. It was already proving to be a cold winter; Tyler was shivering slightly in his red Adidas jacket. But it looked cool, so who cared? “It’s actually illegal to be mean to me on my birthday. So.”

Ryan grinned and ran a hand through his dark curls, eyes slightly squinted. “Sorry 'bout it, Tyler. We’re almost there anyway. This is gonna be the best birthday you’ve ever had, trust me."

Brendon nodded in agreement. "We’re getting lit tonight, bro.”

“I hate that. So much. Like with a burning passion.” Tyler shook his head.

Brendon just laughed, shaking his head. Tyler thought about what Ryan had said, that this would be the best birthday he’d ever had. He hoped it would be. Was there even much competition?  He thought about his seventeenth birthday the previous year, a few weeks after he’d come back. It had been a small thing, with only his close friends, and he remembered that he’d wanted to get drunk. Really drunk. He’d never been really drunk before. And so he’d had a beer. And another one. And another one.

“Hey. Beer isn’t what you need, Tyler,” Josh had said, frowning. Still on edge, Tyler guessed. He had simply nodded.

“What you need is us,” Jenna had said. “So don’t fucking run away.”

Tyler had offered her a crooked smile. “I won’t run anymore,” he’d said.

And he didn’t.

It was at that moment that Tyler realised Brendon was pulling onto his street, humming gently along to the radio.

Tyler leant forward again, confused. “Did you guys… throw me a part at my own house?”

Brendon laughed, shaking his head. “Not quite, man. Josh had some other plans.”

Tyler sighed, leaning back against the seat impatiently. “I bet he did.”

He stared out the slightly dusted window of Brendon’s car, watching the quiet street pass by as they slowly drove through. He, admittedly, wasn't the biggest fan of surprises, but he was the biggest fan of his boyfriend and it seemed Josh had decided to go all out this year. Tyler wasn't complaining. 

He definitely wasn't complaining when Brendon began to slow down as they reached the small dead-end turn off, at the end of which sat Tyler's favourite place in the world; the forest. And as they made their way slowly down the small road, Tyler began to notice a small cluster of cars all parked near the forest entrance.

"He didn't." Tyler shook his head in disbelief as Brendon slowed to a stop, then pulled out three party hats from the middle compartment.

"You better believe it, Ty-Ty." Brendon grinned affectionately at his friend, then chucked a pink party hat at his face. "The twinks are getting wild tonight."

\-----------------

Tyler heard the party before he saw it. 

It was coming from the direction of his and Josh's treehouse, he was sure. It would have made sense; there was an ideal clearing surrounding the area, and Josh knew it was Tyler favourite place in the whole world. He half jogged in the direction of 'Teenager In Love' by Neon Trees, doing his best not to dirty his vans in the strewn mud puddles throughout. Not that they weren't already incredibly beaten up; his Old Skools had been through a lot. Still, he wanted to preserve them for at least one more night.

He was almost at the clearing now, Brendon and Ryan still trailing lazily behind him. He stopped for a moment, waiting for them to catch up, but it was too late. It was evident he'd already been spotted when there was a sudden rousing cheer that seemed to echo throughout the entire forest. Tyler's face immediately flushed as he continued to stumble forward into what seemed to be the party grounds.

And God, was it incredible.

Tyler didn't know what to concentrate on first; the fact that all of his best friends in the world were standing around with beer and talking, or the set up that seemed to have been meticulously thought over. He decided to let his mind focus on the former first; looking around at the smiling faces all adorned in party hats. Tyler was secretly grateful Josh hadn't gone all out on the guest list; that really wasn't his thing. He guessed there were about thirty people milling around so far, but school had only just finished, so more would probably to show up. It was just so much to take in; the music, the fucking guacamole dip on the food table (Tyler's favourite), the speakers and kegs. And right in the middle of it all, leaning against the treehouse with a beer and a killer grin, was Josh.

"Surprise," he said.

Tyler simply stood in awe, looking around. There were fucking fairy lights strung between the trees, for God's sake. It looked like a miracle. There was so, so much, and Tyler had no idea what to say.

"I don't know what to say," he said.

Josh laughed, and Tyler didn't hesitate in rushing forward and flinging himself into is boyfriend's arms. Josh hugged him right back, his chin rested on the top of Tyler's curls. Tyler pulled back to study the older boy's face, running his eyes over pink lips and warm eyes and an absolutely righteous nose ring. "I can't believe you did all this for me. And I can't believe you did such a good job of  _hiding_  it."

Josh shrugged nonchalantly, rocking back on his heels. "It's really nothing, just a little something for the most beautiful boy in the world's birthday. And you aren't even supposed to be here yet." Josh shot a look past Tyler to a grinning Brendon, eyebrow quirked. "I specifically asked for a 4:30 kick off. There are still things I need to get done."

"I'm sorry, I couldn't waitttt," Brendon whined. "Besides, I could tell Tyler was catching on. And, if I'm not mistaken, you two need a li'l bit of time beforehand to get some birthday niceties sorted out." Brendon winked, then headed over to the food table. Tyler directed his attention there too, because... they were all... _there_. All of the previous year graduates he'd come to adore, some of which he hadn't seen for months. All of the people he really cared about, and who really cared about him.

Tyler rushed over with his face glowing, first shoving himself in Pete's arms, where he received an emotional speech on how much Pete had missed his 'son.' Tyler did the same with Patrick, with Gerard and Frank. "I can't believe you guys are all here," Tyler said in awe, an overwhelming feeling of contentment filling inside him as he felt Josh come up behind him and wrap his arms around his middle.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world, Ty-Ty." Pete poked his cheek fondly. "I can't believe my baby is all grown up!"  


Tyler poked his cheek back, and at that moment Jenna and Ashley rushed forward with plastic bags full of food, shoving them on the table before simultaneously hugging Tyler. "Happy fucking birthday!" they chorused.

Tyler grinned at them. Well, grinned more. A smile hadn't left his face since he'd arrived, and he doubted it would leave for a while. If he was being honest, he'd never expected for his life to end up so effortlessly...  _happy_. It wasn't as life it was perfect for him; it hadn't been since the murkiness of the previous year, and he had by no means expected it to be. But God, moments like these erased everything else. All there was was the thump of music and the crunch of Doritos and this intense feeling of exhilaration in the December air. Frank had said something stupid, and Tyler listened to the sound of Ashley squealing with laughter, and saw Brendon kneeling on the ground because he couldn’t stand up straight from laughing so hard.

God, it was beautiful. Really, really beautiful.

That was when Josh decided to tug Tyler a little further away from the others, to the other side of the newly decked-out treehouse. Josh didn't hesitate in pulling Tyler close, kissing him with a soft sincerity before pulling away. Tyler smiled bashfully, hands intertwining with the older boy's in the dappled light. "Hey."

"Hey." Josh leaned forward slightly, pushing a few strands of hair off of his forehead. Tyler loved Josh's current look; his blue had faded a lot since the last time it had been dyed, and had paled to an almost blond. "I was gonna wait until later to give you your present, but I think we'll be busy tonight and I can't wait until tomorrow."  


"Joshua..." Tyler sighed, scrunching up his nose. "I told you not to get me anything big. Not after last year."  


Last year, although nowhere near measuring up to this year, had been oddly wonderful. Josh had gotten all of their friends to pitch in to buy Tyler a new phone, after what had happened to his other one. Tyler had cried when he'd opened the box.

"It's really not that much," Josh insisted, shoving his hands in his hoodie pockets. "You ready?"

"I guess-"

Before Tyler could finish, Josh whipped out two pieces of paper from his pocket, holding them out with a shy smile. Tyler picked them up in awe, eyes skimming over the tickets then flicking back up to meet Josh's eyes. "You didn't."

Josh bit back his smug grin, shrugging nonchalantly. "I might've."

Tyler flung himself into Josh's arms, feeling his face light up as if there was confetti erupting in his soul. "Josh! You got us Muse tickets for the Cleveland show! That's– that's- amazing!"

Josh laughed, hugging the younger boy back. "I'm glad you like it. And I get you for the whole weekend; I already talked to your mom. We're staying in a hotel, baby!"

Tyler shook his head in awe, running his finger over the tickets before putting them in his jacket pocket. "You're really something, huh, Joshie? God, I love you."  


Josh traced a hand down Tyler's shoulder, a soft smile curving his lips. "Love you too, bro." With that,  Josh grabbed Tyler's hand and led him back to where their friends were standing by the food table. "Now let's go get fucking wasted."

Frank evidently heard that last part, and soon he was sniggering and raising an eyebrow in Tyler's direction. "Won't be hard. Tyler gets drunk off of like, three shots."

Tyler opened his mouth to argue, then closed it in defeat. It was true, as much as he hated to admit it. It wasn't his fault he and alcohol didn't get along; that was at least one trait he hadn't inherited from his father.

Josh chuckled, poking Tyler's shoulder. "Wow. _Such_ an animal."  


"Total badass," Brendon purred. 

"Shut up," Tyler whined, shoving his hands in his jacket pockets. Then, before he could forget, he grabbed his phone out of his pocket and quickly texted his mom.

_ 4:34 PM _

**Me:** _hey, probs won't be home till late tonight - Josh and the others threw me a surprise party in the woods <3 Might drop in for snacks later though xox_

With that, he dropped his phone back into his pocket, glancing back up to his surroundings. He noticed a few more people beginning to filter in; mutuals from chorus, a few from his basketball team. They all shot smiles his way, and Tyler returned them good-naturedly. 

It was okay to let himself have this. Tonight he was eighteen. Tonight he was alive. And it was okay.

Shake It by Metro Station started playing. Tyler was already up and dancing.

\---------------

_ Josh's POV _

Judging by the way Tyler hadn't stopped smiling for almost three hours, Josh figured the party hadn't been a bad idea after all.

It was getting dark now; Josh, Tyler, and the others had spent the last hour and a half lying around, talking and drinking and waiting for the sun to set before they got to the dancing. In this hour and a half, Josh had learnt that Pete was hating college, Gerard had been living it up at his fancy Visual Arts School in New York, Frank had been missing him while he studied in New Jersey, and Patrick was busy working on some music stuff. 

"Serious music stuff," he'd said, glancing at Pete with a sure smile. Pete had returned it, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. 

Everyone seemed to be working everything out. And for some reason, that made Josh all the more anxious.

Not tonight though; he didn't have to think about anything but Tyler tonight. Not that he had a choice; the younger boy was currently laughing with some childlike innocence (which Josh totally wasn't swooning over, of course), eyes warm and head tilted back in a way that was... well, fuck, it was just Tyler. He didn't really leave much space in Josh's mind for anything else. Josh soaked him in, smiling fondly at his stupid Seinfield shirt and dark grey sweats, his worn out Vans with trailing laces and vintage rainbow socks, his jacket discarded by the food table. Josh had never met anyone quite so wonderful. 

Tyler glanced over then, smiling a little in Josh's direction, and Josh simply took a sip of his beer, smiling back.

"What'ya lookin' at?" Tyler asked, head tilted slightly.

"Someone cute." Josh wandered over, handing Tyler a can of his own. "How's it feel to be eighteen?"

Tyler shrugged nonchalantly. "You tell me. You've had 6 months experience."

Josh laughed, pulling the younger boy close. The fairy lights were lighting up his features, reflecting in deep brown irises and casting him in a soft glow as the daylight around them faded. Josh was secretly quite proud of his efforts; he'd been planning this night for months, and had driven out here almost every night for the past week to get things sorted out. He'd just wanted to do something for Tyler that he'd remember. So he'd quickly got the invites out to all their graduated friends, and had told all of their school friends whenever he could sneak it in.

"You really know how to make a boy feel special, don't you, Joshie?" Tyler entwined their fingers, then tugged him to where there were already some people dancing. "C'mon, dance with me."

Josh looked down at his boyfriend, running a hand through his hair. _Y'know what? What the hell._ With minimal hesitation, Josh downed what was left of his beer and twirled Tyler dramatically, then started jumping like a loser to some stupid rave Brendon had put on. 

Pete whistled from behind them, wandering over with what looked to be Patrick's cap on backwards. "Look at you, Josh. You're a total frat boy already."

Tyler grinned. "Right? He just can't wait for college."

Josh rolled his eyes. "Don't bring that word up again. That's all we've talked about this entire year."

Tyler poked his shoulder teasingly. "Uh, wrong. That's all I've talked about. You were a little absent during those discussions."

Josh raised his eyebrows. "Discussions? Is that what they were? I thought they were monologues."

Tyler just shook his head in reply, the music tearing into them and drowning out the conversation. There wasn't much room to think about college with the pulsing beat that reverberated into the night sky above. Besides, it wasn't like Josh wanted to think about college. He'd been avoiding thinking about it for months. And tonight was special. Tonight he had an excuse not to think about it.

"You want another drink?" He shouted to Tyler over the music. 

Tyler shrugged, letting his eyes fall shut in the dim light. Josh watched him move for a sweet moment, then slowly made his way to the drink's table. He grabbed a can for himself and one for Tyler, before weaving through some of Tyler's drunk chorus acquaintances back to the younger boy. 

"Here you are," Josh said, handing the beer over with a flourish. Tyler took it, shooting Josh a smile. 

"Thanks," he said, opening it and taking a sip before pulling a face. "Confession: beer is fucking gross."

Josh frowned. "Then why've you had, like, three?"

Tyler shrugged, squinting up at Josh. "Dunno. Guess I'm trying to be cool on my eighteenth birthday."

Josh laughed, taking a sip of his own beer as a new song came on. "So, what, y ou more a wine kind of guy?" 

Tyler crinkled his nose. “Try cider.” 

“Oooh, fruity.” Josh winked. 

Tyler's cheeks flamed. “Shut up.” 

Josh chuckled as he span around, head tilted back to the tree tops and stars above. 

"Nah." 

\---------------

_ Tyler's POV _

The night carried on in a bit of a blur, by the time Tyler had downed his fourth beer. People began to leave, stumbling drunkenly around amidst yells of good bye and thanks. Many couldn't resist the free alcohol and the dancing and stayed on for a few more hours, but by 3am it had dwindled down to the very core of Tyler's buds. They danced still, content to yell the words without the scrutiny of all the rest. Tyler could hardly stand by the time he stopped for a rest. He vaguely remembered some presents were given out at one point. Brendon had kindly gifted him a blue furby that sat by the drink's table to watch over them; Jenna and Ashley had framed a picture of the time he'd fallen asleep in a 7-11 bathroom; Pete and Patrick had pitched in to get him a fucking Super Mario Kart hoodie which he unironically loved; Ryan had got him a scented candle that smelt like wild fig or something; and Gerard and Frank had respectively gifted him a Vampire Weekend CD and a fuckload of socks.  

Tyler couldn't remember feeling so giddily ecstatic. No way had he thought he'd get all this. 

"We had to get you something to christen your adulthood, Ty-Ty," Pete said, sipping from his red solo cup. "Shit, I still can't believe we're adults now. Should I have gotten you vitamins or some shit?" 

Tyler chuckled a little, running his finger over yet another can of beer that had been thrust into his hands. He hadn't been sure he would be able to drink tonight. He didn't drink much, and it wasn't just because it tasted awful, and it _did_ , but... 

_He_ drank. 

His breath, it had always stunk of it. Even in the memories of him, it was there. Tyler had hoped it wouldn't bother him as much tonight, and evidently all his friends had proved to be enough of a distraction.  

He didn't want to think about that tonight. He didn't want to think about that, period. 

"You all good?" Josh said, suddenly beside him in the chilled darkness. Tyler was starting to notice the cold more now that the dancing had died down. 

"Mmhm." Tyler nodded slightly, taking a sip of his beer with only minimal hesitation. He'd softened to it as the night had worn on. Slightly. "Dunno what I'm gonna do with that fuckin' furby. And as if I haven't seen that 7-11 picture enough." Tyler took another sip when Josh didn't answer, then glanced over to find mocha eyes studying him hard. 

"You're staring at me," Tyler said. 

"You're funny," Josh replied, smiling. "This is how I imagined you'd be when you're drunk." 

"That predictable, huh?" Tyler took yet another sip, before turning to look at Josh. "I'm pretty sure you've seen me drunk before, though. Remember at Pete's?"  


"That was different. You passed out so quick I didn't get to enjoy your li'l slurred words." 

"I'm not slurring my words." 

"Sure you're not slurrrrring your worrrrrrds." Josh grinned, kissing the side of his head. "I swear I'll kick Brendon if Big Shaq comes on one more time." 

He had a point; Brendon was probably the only person Tyler knew who unironically liked that song. Before he could reply, though, he was met with Pete shoving the SMK hoodie in his hands, looking at him with a slight smile.  


"You're shivering under that jacket, hun. Let's go double." With that, he thrust the fabric over Tyler's head, still talking. "It's getting late, y'know. I was thinking everyone who's left can crash at yours until morning, then we can come back tomorrow and clean this place up. We can sleep on the floor or whatever." 

Tyler smiled, adjusting himself slightly in the hoodie. "Aw, man, I love sleepovers. And I think I'm almost partied out." 

Pete nodded in agreement, then turned around to address the others. "Hey! Who's keen to crash at Tyler's place tonight?"  

Everyone whooped and agreed to that, and Tyler had no idea how that would go, but who cared?

"How 'bout one more song?" Brendon yelled, and was met with more drunken whooping. Without hesitation he began to blare 'Tik Tok' by Ke$ha, and Tyler rolled his tired eyes but joined right in, of course he did, grabbing Josh's hands and singing and singing as the world moved on around them, like nothing really mattered. And maybe it didn't. Who cared?  


And in a matter of minutes, the remaining 11 of them were tiredly gathering what was left of the food and beer, turning off the speakers and fairy lights, helping Tyler collect his goods. Hoodies and shoes were shoved back on, phone torchlights lighting up the way out of the trees and back to Tyler's street. Someone tripped on a root along the way; Tyler couldn't remember who. They dodged in and out of the trees, Brendon saying stupid stuff to set them off the whole way, and Tyler's arm tucked through Josh's for support or love or whatever. 

And then they broke out onto the street, loudly shushing each other as they ran down the deserted tarmac because the rest of the world was sound asleep. And Tyler was fucking drunk and exhausted, but God, right then, he was happy. 

He was.


	2. two

_SATURDAY - Tyler's POV_

Tyler sure was hung over.

Consciousness was upon him before he could get out of the way. He groaned as he came to, face shoved into a pillow. He was thirsty and his head hurt and his mouth tasted evil and his eyes were too tight in his head and all his teeth whined and his stomach burned and his back was aching in a way that started around his knees and went up to his forehead and it hurt to try and think. The inner surface of his skull pulsed like a single, giant nerve being chewed on.

"Morning, Sweet Cheeks," Josh, or someone, said.

Tyler didn't have it in him to reply, so Brendon, or someone, stepped in. "Sweet Cheeks, huh? What's with that?"

"Shut the fuck up Brendon, it's cute and endearing." That was Ryan, Tyler was certain. The freshly-eighteen-year-old pushed himself up, then very carefully opened up an eyelid before shutting it again fast. A merciless sunbeam had shot straight in, making his brain bleed.

"Jesus, can someone close the fucking blind?" As soon as the words were out of his mouth Tyler felt something inside of him shift. He quickly pulled himself to his feet, one hand over his mouth as he stumbled haphazardly toward the bathroom. He had barely made it to the toilet before he was bent over, the most awful concoction imaginable spilling out of his mouth and into the bowl.

He waited for a few moments when he was done, trying to catch his breath. _Gross_. After spitting a couple of times for good measure, he pulled himself up and flushed. Then he turned on the tap, splashing cold water on his face and filling a glass that was sitting by the sink. He finished it in two gulps, then reached for the mouthwash for good measure. He felt like death personified. Was he even awake yet? Tyler caught a glance at himself in the mirror then; he was all serious eye bags and tufty hair, as expected. _Surely there are better ways to enter one's eighteenth year,_ Tyler thought. He guessed he'd never know now. He spat out his mouthwash and sighed, just then noticing the shaky sharpie-dick drawn onto his right forearm.

"Eighteen, huh?" he murmured. It could only get better from here, couldn't it? Tyler sure hoped so. He was just about to leave when he saw Josh appear in the mirror, with a stupid, knowing look on his face.

"Hey," he said.

Tyler simply glared in reply, and Josh grinned further. "How're you holding up?"

Tyler sighed. "Everything hurts. I think God hates me." Tyler looked up then, eyeing his boyfriend suspiciously. "How come you guys aren't totally fucked as well?"

Josh pulled a face. "Believe me, we were. You should've seen Brendon - he didn't even make it to the bathroom, barely made it to your kitchen floor." Josh stopped when he saw Tyler's expression. "We cleaned it up though, so don't worry," he added.

"No, I don't give a shit about that, just... what time is it?"

Josh grinned again. "Almost three. You were so out to it, Ty. Brendon and Ryan are the only ones still left, everyone else is gone. Y'know, I think Frank was right when-"

"I don't wanna hear it, Joshua." Tyler groaned, knocking his head back to look at the ceiling. "Happy birthday to me, I guess."

\------------------

_Josh's POV_

After what felt like an age of Brendon complaining and looking for all the clothes he somehow managed to lose during the night, it was just Josh and Tyler left. They stood in the kitchen with cups of coffee, hair mussed and eyelids drooping.

"Man, got any Advil?" Josh turned his head slightly, warming his hands with the mug.

Tyler nodded wordlessly, going to the pantry and standing up on his tip-toes in a way that made Josh smile to himself. He finally retrieved the little box, throwing it to Josh who popped a couple out for the two of them. They stood there for a long while, getting the pills down them reluctantly while snippets of regret played in their heads. Josh didn't really regret anything though; and judging by the slight smile on his beautiful, half-dead boyfriend's face, Tyler didn't either.

"You should go back home and nap," Tyler said after a moment, stretching. "Last night needs recovery and you know it."

Josh smiled back warily. "Yeah, you're probably right. I'll go pick up the tables and stuff later." He paused for a moment, then caught Tyler's eye, smiling cheekily. "Wanna come back and nap with me?"

Tyler smiled back, stepping towards Josh and wrapping his hands around the older boy's neck. "Well, isn't that just my ideal afternoon? I don't know if I can though; I think my mom had some things planned. I kind of owe it to her."

Josh scrunched up his nose, then nodded. "That's fair. Come over if you change your mind, though." He winked, kissing the tip of Tyler's nose. "Otherwise, see you on Monday."

"Gotcha. You going to band?"

"Course. I'm still basking in the glory." Josh grinned. With some incredible stroke of luck, the previous month Josh and some classmates had won the Battle of the Bands. Josh had been thrown together with some random students, and at first he hadn't thought they'd amount to anything; after all, Tyler wasn't the singer. But they'd practiced a hell of a lot, and Josh had to admit the cover they'd put together of "Harder To Breathe" by Maroon 5 was truly something. Josh had just fucking loved it, and he guessed he hadn't been the only one, from the judges' response. "Maybe they just really have a thing for British accents," Matty had said.

Tyler rolled his eyes, punching Josh's arm lightly. "Whatever, Ringo Starr."

Josh turned to grab his jacket then, blowing a kiss to Tyler as he backed up towards the door. "Love you, see you."

"Likewise," Tyler said, smiling slightly.

And then Josh was out the door, breathing deeply in the fresh air as he made his way down Tyler's front path. The day was bright but cold, road still slick from the morning shower that Josh had woke up to. He pulled his jacket on tighter as he walked, trying his best not to think about what his mom was going to say.

She hadn't been the biggest fan of the party idea.

That was mostly Josh's fault though; he knew full well that she wouldn't be on him so much if his grades hadn't been suffering lately. Maybe suffering was too strong a word. They weren't awful, but they weren't at his usual standard either, and Josh had no one to blame but himself. He guessed he was going through some things. Well, he was going through what almost every other eighteen year old was going through; college applications. And so far, it had been completely fucking awful.

Josh breathed out his nose slowly, wishing that for just one minute he could stop thinking about it. That was one of the reasons last night had been so good; no one was thinking about that kind of thing. All they cared about was the dancing and the alcohol and each other. But now he had to press play on his problems again, and honestly, he was getting tired. Partly because of the fuck-off muggy head ache he presently had, and partly because he hadn't yet written his application essay. Fuck, he hadn't even _started_ it. He knew what colleges he was applying to, sure, but for some reason he couldn't seem to get himself any further than that. His mom had been on him about it for months; ever since summer had ended, really.

God, that summer.

Josh missed it more than he was willing to admit. It had been like the eye of the hurricane; the calm in between the bullshit of back then and the bullshit of now. They’d all spent the majority of their days by Jenna’s pool; him, Tyler, Jenna, Ashley, Brendon, Ryan, Dallon and sometimes friends from Band. Jenna's parents were usually out working, and the seven of them had all done nothing, really, except drink forgotten beer and swim for hours and laugh themselves incoherent at the dumbest things you could think of.

It had been brilliant. Just utterly, utterly brilliant. Even the stupid fucking construction work Josh had taken on to make his dad happy hadn't seemed so bad. Everything had seemed possible, and everything good felt like it was just within reach for once, and if he hung in there it really would all come together, and he could stop worrying about what the fuck he was gonna do once he was out of there.

Not only that, but the summer had felt like the turning point of finally putting everything behind them, all the craziness and the dysfunction that Josh had grown used to. It had gotten better eventually, once Tyler had returned after that awful month. On the outside, it hadn't taken him long to get back to his old self. Only Josh knew there was a wound living inside of him, and that wound wasn't going away any time soon. There had always been something a little sad about Tyler, and that made sense to Josh. He'd had a sad life. But he'd always been so tough. And really determined. 

It was better now. But it wasn't like it was perfect. There were many nights Josh would wake up to find Tyler sitting up in bed, knees pulled up, staring out the window. 

“Hey,” he’d whisper, and Tyler would look over, eyes heavy and often red-rimmed. “Wanna go make some hot chocolate?”

Tyler would nod, and the two of them would just sit together, thinking. It had admittedly taken a while, but they  _were_ slowly healing. Both of them. They both looked forward as much as they allowed themselves to.

And now Josh was too scared to look any further, and things were getting hazy again.

God. Maybe he was being stupid about the whole thing. But the truth was, Josh didn't even know if he wanted to go to college.

Josh stopped walking abruptly, a frown creasing his face. That was the first time he'd admitted that to himself.

He hardly noticed the further seven minutes walk to his home, he was so caught up in himself. What if he didn't go to college? What else did he have going for him? Would he work? Apprentice? Travel? And what would his mom say? And his dad? And...

Tyler.

Josh had reached his front path by then, his head still pounding dully as he jogged toward the front door, and was inevitably greeted with a hyperactive ball of golden fur throwing itself at Josh's legs.

"Hi, baby," Josh murmured, scooping up the puppy and nuzzling his face into the fur. Jim was the newest addition to the family; they'd had him for two months now, and he was the new love of Josh's life. Josh gave the dog one final kiss before lowering him to the floor, straightening to find his mom standing in front of him, arms crossed and lips tight.

"It's half past three," she said.

Josh sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I know, Mom, I'm sorry. It got super late so we crashed at Tyler's, and we all woke up late, and Ty was-"

"Joshie listen. I get that throwing parties is pretty high on an eighteen year old's list of priorities, but I really wanted you to get underway with applications this weekend. It's important, Josh, which you don't seem to understand."

It was fair, what Josh's mom was saying, but he couldn't help but feel a little rebuked. "I promise I'll get to it, Mom. Last night was a one-time thing, I told you." Josh tugged off his jacket and threw it over the back of the couch, looking at her earnestly. "I swear I'll spend all of tomorrow on it."

Josh's mom gave him a disbelieving look, but didn't press him any further. Josh took that as a go-ahead to make his way upstairs and into the shower. 

The warmth was a welcome distraction, and Josh stripped quickly before stepping inside and leaning against the wall. He remained there for a good few moments, eyes closed as he tried his damn hardest to get his thoughts in order, to no avail. All of that paired with the awful headache that wouldn't fucking leave made for a pretty awful afternoon. He planned to be in bed as soon as possible.

Josh reached for the body wash absentmindedly, unable to stop his mind from drifting back to that dreaded topic. _Did_ he want to go to college? Well, maybe he did, but only after taking some time off.  _To find myself or whatever,_ he thought as he laced his hands behind his head and turned his face toward the torrent of water. That sounded lame. But it was true. Was there such thing as being a little lost? If you were lost, then you were lost, right?

Maybe Josh didn't know shit. Maybe he was just going through the motions. Maybe lots of people went through the motions, and maybe it worked for some people. But Josh knew it wasn't going to work for him.

Tyler had finished his admissions essay ages ago, and had spent the last few weeks touching it up. Josh knew he didn't have to wonder what it was going to say, because he knew Tyler was going to make him read it and he was going to want to read Josh's. And he didn't have one to read.

Josh made a frustrated sound then, shutting the water off harshly and stepping out into the bathroom. He tugged on his shirt and boxers without really bothering to dry himself, then flung open the bathroom cabinet and fished out the Advil, while symphonies of curse words played over in his head.

Nap. Nap, and then essay.

\--------------

Josh woke up with a jolt a few hours later, eyes snapping open only to be closed immediately. His mom was switching the light of his room on and off repeatedly, standing in the doorway.

"Up, Joshua. It's almost 8." Josh groaned and rolled away from his mom, but she continued. "Dinner's ready, and Tyler's downstairs."

Josh frowned, doing his best to lift his head that still felt heavy. "Tyler's here? Why?"

"You'll just have to wait and see, won't you?" she said, already half out the door.

Josh stayed in bed for a few moments longer, then pulled himself up with another dramatic groan and grabbed some sweatpants from the floor. He was just about to stand when Tyler came barrelling down the hallway and into Josh's room, a massive grin splitting his face in two.

Josh raised an eyebrow. "You're a few seconds late on the nap front, sorry-"

"Josh! Look out your window!" Tyler yelled, jumping onto Josh's bed excitedly.

"W-what?"

"Just do it," he whined, and at that Josh stumbled confusedly over to his closed curtain. He yanked it open, looking around for a moment before focusing on the street below. Then his jaw dropped, and he immediately turned to look at Tyler, eyes wide.

"Your mom got you a  _car_?"

Tyler giggled, nodding. "It's my Uncle's old Chevrolet Malibu. It's from all of my extended family - well, the one's who still talk to us, at least. Still, there's no way my mom could afford it." He shrugged, then retrieved the keys from his pocket, waving them in front of Josh's face. "Wanna come for a drive, pretty boy?"

Josh ran his tongue over his teeth, pulling a face. "I really want to, Ty, but my mom's been super onto me lately about the whole application thing. I don't know if she'll let me out."

Tyler considered this, looking at Josh questioningly. "You still haven't started?"

"I'll- I'll get to it." That was just what Josh just telling everyone, wasn't it? Especially himself.

"Josh. It's  _December_."

"I know." Josh sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Uh, do you... want to stay for dinner?"

Tyler didn't answer at once. Instead, he reached for Josh's hand, tugging the older boy closer to the bed, dark eyes searching. He was wearing one of Josh's hoodies again; a burgundy Champion one that just fit him so fucking well. "Hey. You don't need to get pressed about applications, J. Any college would be lucky to have you."

Josh smiled slightly in reply. He didn't know how to tell Tyler that applications were only a fraction of the problem. "So... lasagna?"

It was a futile attempt in changing the subject, but Tyler didn't push it. "Can't," he said, jumping off the bed. "Mom's making pasta. You sure you can't come for ten minutes?"

"I'll ask," Josh said, although he knew what the answer would be. Even so, he grabbed his jacket off the back of the chair, jerking his head in the direction of the door. "Let's go."

\-----------------

_Tyler's POV_

Tyler was genuinely surprised when Josh's mom allowed him out. Well, it was only for ten minutes, but still.

"So she's really on you, huh?" Tyler said as they stepped into the cool night air, Josh shutting the front door behind them. Josh pulled a face, shoving his hands deep in his jacket pockets. Tyler just couldn't understand how his hair managed to look so perfect after everything that had gone on. How did one manage to pull off a hangover so well?

"I know. She thinks I've waited 'til my eighteenth year to rebel against her. As if I'd ever." Josh shook his head, stepping towards the car and running a hand over it. "Damn, it sure is in good condition. Your uncle did a good job." 

"Considering he wrote 'Happy birthday Taylor' in the card, I'd say the car is beyond impressive." Tyler grinned, opening the passenger door for Josh with a dramatic bow. "M'lady."

Josh curtseyed politely before climbing in, and Tyler slammed the door after him before heading to the driver's seat.

Tyler had no plan. He figured he'd keep them close; his headlights bit into the cool darkness within the monotonous blanket of their suburb. Everything was so much more reserved in winter, Tyler thought. Maybe that was why he didn't like it. Everyone felt more on edge, including himself.

The afternoon had been great, at least. Tyler couldn't remember seeing his mom as excited as she'd been presenting the car to Tyler. Her face had completely lit up, and she'd just been smiling so tenderly, so motherly, that Tyler had been speechless for a good few seconds. He was still having trouble processing it. He had a  _car_. That was  _his_. All that mileage. All that freedom.

Josh was flipping through Tyler's CD's in the passenger seat, humming into the night. "You loaded your demos yet?"

Tyler shook his head, grip loosening slightly on the wheel. He was still fairly new to driving, but he had to admit he liked the way it made him feel. So in control. He'd started learning to drive a few months after he'd gotten back. It had felt like a good place to start, after all the craziness he'd stumbled through that year. That goddamn, impossible year. 

"Not yet. And I promised you the first, and probably only, copy, so be patient." 

In all the euphoria of that summer and the months following, Tyler had decided to start recording a few of his songs. Really record them, with all the equipment and technology that he wasn't used to. It had been his goal for a while; years, really, and he hadn't told anyone. He hadn't even told Josh, making excuses all those afternoons when he'd stayed after school in the studio. He wasn't sure it would work out, or if he even had it in him at all, but as soon as he was in front of that microphone everything seemed to come naturally. He'd really done something. He had 7 songs - 7 whole songs that he'd written and recorded.

Josh seemed to be thinking about it too. He turned to Tyler with his head against the seat, a lazy smile on his face. "Remember when you called me in the middle of the night and made me come over because you hated keeping things to yourself?"

"Yeah." Tyler grinned. "And you cried thirty seconds into the first song."

"It's not my fault you have immeasurable musical talent and a beautiful voice." Josh shrugged defensively, then leant forward and put in a Vampire Weekend CD. "Can we go to Waffle House?"

Tyler pulled a face, fingers tracing lightly over the steering wheel as he waited at a traffic light. "We'll have to make it quick; your mom wants you back like now."

"Well she's just gonna have to wait, isn't she?"

Tyler snorted. "Wow; I guess she was right. You really are rebelling against her."

"Tyler."

"You're  _such_  a bad boy. You're probably only dating me to influence me into joining your illegal, sinful, corrupt, street gang-"

"Stop it," Josh whined, before chuckling lightly. "God, your the worst."

"I firmly believe that you are, but okay." Tyler grinned as he scanned the neon signs around him, the glow fading into the darkness. "You wanna go through Chik-Fil-A drive-thru and get cookies and cream milkshakes instead?"

"Sounds Gucci."

"We're breaking up."

"Sounds Gucci."

Tyler leant over and thumped Josh's arm hard before swinging into the drive-thru lane of Chik-Fil-A, smiling triumphantly as Josh called out in pain. "Ow! What was that for?"

Tyler ignored him, instead pulling up to the speaker and rolling down his window. "Hey, can I get one Cookies and Cream milkshake, and one..." he turned to regard Josh for a moment, biting his lip. "And one peppermint chocolate chip."

"No problem. Anything else?" came the crackly reply.

"That's all, thanks." Tyler drove forward with a grin on his face, glancing at Josh's put-out expression. Tyler knew he hated peppermint chocolate chip with a burning passion. 

"I can't believe you've done this," he said.

“That’s what you get for saying ‘sounds Gucci.’ Twice.” Tyler pulled up to the first window, leaving Josh to question his decisions as he paid and crawled to the next window. He smiled at the bored looking employee, taking the drinks from him with a flourish and shoving them in Josh's hands. Soon enough they were back on the road, heading back to Josh's quiet street in the sleeping suburbs of Columbus.

"I can't believe we're out of high school in a few months." Tyler shook his head, focused on the road ahead. 

"Mm."

Tyler glanced over at Josh then. He'd noticed Josh had been dancing around the subject for months, and he really didn't want to press him, but come on. Surely he had  _something_  to say on the matter, right?

"Are you sure you've got it all under control, Joshie?" Tyler said quietly.

Josh knocked his head back into the head rest, taking a hesitant sip of his peppermint milkshake and pulling a face. "Yes. No. I don't know. Guess I'm just not feeling it." He shrugged.

Tyler considered this. "Seriously? I can't wait to get out of here. I've been waiting for college for years."

It was true; something about the idea of college had always excited Tyler. It just seemed so much better than the mess that was high school, the hell that had been his life till now. He often imagined him and Josh hanging out in their dorm together, living it the fuck up at frat parties.

Josh nodded absentmindedly, eyes trained on the road disappearing in front of them. "You're a good driver," he said suddenly.

"Thanks. It's kind of calming, innit?" Tyler smiled. A-Punk was playing, and Tyler turned it up a little, humming along. "Y'wanna know something, Joshie?"

"Hmm?"

"We've been dating for one year and two months."

Josh turned to look at Tyler then, taking a cheeky sip from Tyler's drink that the younger boy didn't comment on. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Josh shook his head a little, looking forward again. He had a sort of thoughtful look on his face. "So much has changed," he murmured.

He was right; when Tyler thought back to his life this time last year, it had just been a haze of therapy and meetings with the school and coffee at midnight and more fucking therapy. It had been hard, _really_ hard, with all the catching up and the medication and the fact that he and Josh were shaky to say at the least. Back then, Tyler had been convinced that life would never be normal again. Not ever. And that time, he was definitely going for normal. Too many things had happened, and he was tired.

His doctor had eventually let him go back to school, and he’d done his best to catch up. He was lucky he was clever; that paired with all the relentless homework he was bombarded with meant he hadn’t had to redo junior year. He'd stuck with his friends instead. And God, they were good to him. More than good. Jenna used to nudge him every time she noticed something was wrong.

“You’re doing it again,” she’d say.

“Doing what?”

“Isolating.”

“No, I’m not. I’m sitting right beside you.”

“You’re in your head.”

Tyler had shrugged. “I guess.”

“So spit it out.”

“I was making a list of all the things that have happened.”

“Keeping score.” Jenna had nodded in understanding.

“Maybe. It doesn’t feel that way. It just feels like remembering.”

“Remembering is overrated.”

Tyler had nodded thoughtfully, then turned to her with a slight smile. “And I’ve decided I’m going for normal.”

Jenna had simply smirked. “Too late for that, Tyler.”

And it had been. And that was okay.

They were nearing Josh's street then. Josh was still looking out the window, biting his thumbnail absentmindedly. He'd been doing that a lot lately. Tyler didn't comment on it, instead turning the conversation to school. "So. See you on Monday for real this time, I guess." he said, concentrating solely on indicating and turning as smooth as possible.

"You bet. Have fun waiting in breathless anticipation." The older boy grinned as Tyler arrived at his house, pulling up out front carefully. As soon as he had parked the car, he reached over and retrieved his milkshake from Josh's hands. 

"Take a fuckin' sip babes," Josh muttered, and Tyler did just that, simultaneously reaching out to thump Josh's other arm. Josh chuckled through the pain, rubbing his arm lightly.

"Fuck, this is good." Tyler took one more sip before putting it into one of the drink holders in the middle console, turning to regard Josh again. "You better run, before mommy comes out and yells at me," Tyler teased, winking. Upped Josh at his own game, he did.

Josh looked over at him then, smiling gently. Then he shoved the semi-full peppermint milkshake into the remaining drink holder and leant over the middle console, grabbing Tyler's hoodie. "C'mere, asshole."

And Tyler did, immediately tracing a hand up Josh's jaw and leaning forward in the glow of the dashboard, the orange and reds illuminating half of Josh's face softly. They kissed slowly, way too sweet-like for a Saturday night, but Tyler wasn't complaining. His hand fell from Josh's jaw to his shoulder, then down his arm until he reached his hand.

Josh smiled hard then, fully fucking up the kiss, and making Tyler chuckle at his boyfriend’s inability to refrain from grinning like a lovestruck idiot, yet undeniably being the same way. They nudged their noses together, Tyler’s elbow digging into the middle console in result of Josh pulling his upper half to the passenger side in order to kiss Tyler. “I fucking love you, Tyler.” Josh mumbled, dark eyes right on Tyler's. “I love you so much.”

Tyler smiled. Those words had never lost their effect on him. “Gay.”

"Don't ruin it," Josh whined.

"Too late." Tyler kissed him again with a giggle, and when he pulled away he fell into his habit of reaching up and gently poking the glinting ring in his boyfriend’s nose. Tyler had always loved it, and Josh pulled it off so well. Tyler was secretly a little jealous - he’d always been too scared to get one. "Now, get out before I get you in trouble."

"I'm not getting out before you say it back."

"Oh my God." Tyler shook his head. "You're unbelievable."

"I'm fully serious." Josh gave him an intent look, and Tyler sighed loudly. "Love you too, I guess."

"How hard was that?" Josh grinned, then quickly leant over to kiss Tyler's cheek one last time before making his exit. "Seeya Monday. Wow, deja vu."

Tyler rolled his eyes. That boy, huh.  
  


	3. three

_ FRIDAY - Josh’s POV _

It took at least a mile, sometimes two, before Josh relaxed properly into a run. 

Once he’d warmed up, once the tension was gone, once the sweat had properly broken and his breathing was rhythmically heavy and every twinge of stiffness and pain from previous workouts had been obliterated by adrenaline and endorphins, when all of that happened, there was almost nowhere else on earth he’d rather be. Even now on the path that cut through the park towards the city centre, too crowded with entitled cyclists and groups of power walking moms in their pastel tops and self crimped hair. For forty five minutes, or an hour, the world was his, and he was alone in it. 

It was currently a Friday afternoon, a week or so after Tyler’s party. Josh wasn’t really keeping track. He’d headed out soon after he’d gotten home from school, on his usual route out of the neighbourhood and into the park. For some reason he’d felt like going further today, pushing himself out of his realm of comfortability and into that achy grey area, when he just _knew_ he’d feel it for days after. Still, sometimes he just needed that something extra, the pound of his feet creating a steady rhythm that kept him in time with the song. It was one of his favourite’s currently; Fine, Great by Modern Baseball. A song that currently felt a little too real for comfort, but he didn’t concentrate on that. He was concentrating solely on the strain of his thighs, the oxygen entering his body in short huffs of breath. 

_I hate having to think about my future, when all I wanna do is worry about everyone but me…_

Needless to say, he hadn’t gotten much further with his college applications. 

He needed to sort something out soon, _really_ soon, or he’d be fucked. But then again, maybe a tiny part of Josh wanted to be _totally_ fucked. Maybe he was subconsciously trying to ruin his own life on purpose. Was that a normal thought for teenagers to experience? Probably not. That said, with the small bouts of occasional teenage angst aside, Josh was a relatively complacent teenager. The title of emo wreck was already taken, anyway. Thank you, Peter Wentz.

Even the endorphins as he crossed mile five weren’t enough to make this feel joyous. He pushed himself, ran so hard his calves felt near giving away. He was at the point- he checked his phone- just over thirty five minutes in, where nothing hurt. His legs were in rhythm, his feet hitting their strike at the right cadence, arms swinging their counterweight. 

This worry, he thought. This tedious, endless worry. Was that all there was ever going to be? Would it just twist him and twist him, obliterating everything else so he lost the ability to know when he _should_ worry, because that was all there ever was? He pushed, his strides growing longer, his hands opening and swinging higher into the sprint. 

_I don’t want this,_ he thought. I don’t want to be this person. _I don’t want to always have this… turmoil._

HIs legs were at their physical limit. They felt disconnected from him, filled with wobbly sting, like an injury in cold weather. If he stopped to think, he would lose his balance. Running was the only thing that kept him upright.

This sucked, Josh knew, but he wasn’t depressed. He wasn’t, on the whole, the type of person to hate himself. He really wasn’t. Usually he was pretty content with his life and the state of things. He didn’t criticise himself too harshly, or let himself get wound up too easily. But now… God. Something was going on with him, he supposed. He’d been weighted down with this looming sense of dread, and just overall uneasiness and restlessness, for too long.

Josh stopped abruptly then, realising he was almost outside the Starbucks in which Ashley, one of his best friends, worked. The city was currently in the tight grip of winter, the sky perpetually overcast with a bitter wind ripping through the streets. Not that Josh noticed; the boy was bent over his knees in the middle of the sidewalk, huffing air and letting the pounding in his temples and ears recede. His lungs felt drained, and he’d twice pushed himself hard enough to feel like vomiting, and though it was awful, there felt something heroic in it too. There was something powerful about going beyond what you could safely do, he thought as he entered the store, into oblivion, to the point where you could erase yourself, _be_ erased. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to breathe through his nose. Then he realised Ashley was talking to him and quickly turned off his music.

“Hmm?”

“I said,” Ashley grinned, leaning on the counter of the empty store, “I don’t know why you always need to make such a big production out of it. It’s just a run.”

Josh raised an eyebrow in fake offence. “Excuse me?”

Ashley made a series of honking sounds so ugly, it took Josh a moment to realise she was making fun of his breathing. “It’s just a jog around town,” she said. “It’s not like you finished a marathon.”

“Happy Friday to you too, then,” he said, then promptly pulled his Starbucks card out of his pocket and slid it across the counter. “I filled up my card, by the way. One _free_ iced coffee frappacino, thanks.”

Ashley rolled her eyes, taking the card and turning to create his concoction. “I swear you always get the most boring choice, Joshua. How about a Teavana Shaken Iced Passion Tango Tea Lemonade?” She gave him another grin over her shoulder, humming to herself.  Her hair was currently cropped and blonde, which gave her a badass pixie look that Josh admired. All his friends were way cooler than him.

He snorted, leaning on the counter of the empty store. “Do you even know what that consists of?”

“Nope, but I can guarantee it’s cooler than a coffee frappe.” she shrugged, pouring the liquid into a Starbucks cup with a sort of finesse. That probably came with working here for 4 months, which she always complained was 4 months too long but never actually did anything about it. “D’you want whipped cream?”

Josh shook his head, getting his phone out of his pocket. “Nah. How’s Rhode Island apps going?”

Josh knew how badly Ashley wanted to go to the Rhode Island School of Design, which he thought was kinda cool. She’d do good there, he had a feeling.

Ashley pulled a face. “Not so good. I just don’t think I can afford it, J, and I doubt I’ll be getting a free ride. I guess it’s community college for me.” She sighed, handing over Josh’s drink. “How ‘bout you? Gotten any further, or still a lost cause?”

Josh sipped his drink, then winked and backed away slowly. “Aaaand, that’s my cue. Good to see you, hope it all goes well with your education ’n shit, see you on Monday.”

Josh didn’t see Ashley’s dramatic eye roll; it didn’t take him long to finish his drink, and once he had he took off running again, turning his music back up. He had cooled off, and he was stiff, painfully, and it felt like he was running in leg splints, but he didn’t care. He ran anyway.

_But it's alright and I'm okay, I won't need your help anyway…_

_ Tyler’s POV _

“Tyler!”

Tyler sighed, not moving from where he was sat on his bed, ukulele poised on his lap. “Yeah?”

His mom popped her head around the door, hurriedly putting in an earring as she glanced at her watch. “I’ve gotta go out for about an hour. Are you all good to watch Maddy and Jay?” 

Tyler scrunched his nose, putting another pretzel in his mouth. “I’ll try, but I’ve got work at six and you know how Ross gets if I’m late.”

Tyler’s mom nodded, worrying her lip. “Yeah, that’s fine. Just as long as you make sure they’re doing their homework and you take something out for their dinner.” She blew him a kiss from the doorway before hurrying off. “Thanks Ty. See you.”

Tyler just grunted, sliding off his bed and heading out to the living room. He’d done absolutely fuck all since school had finished; mostly just trying to polish a new melody he was working on and procrastinating before the tragedy that was his work. He frowned as he noticed that most of the lights were off in the living room, then noticed his younger siblings sitting cross legged on the couch, the glow of the TV illuminating their enraptured faces. They were watching some UFO documentary that was probably not the greatest choice for a twelve and eight year old, but what could you do? 

Tyler leaned over the back of the couch, watching along for a moment. The documentary was currently analysing seven disc shaped objects that were seen hovering in formation by the Finnish Air Force in 1969. Neither of Tyler’s siblings made any acknowledgement of his presence, and the eighteen year old  stretched, running a hand through his hair. “Well, hello to you two as well. Have you both done your homework?”

“Yup,” Maddy answered, eyes still glued to the screen.

“You hungry? I reckon I could make some Velveeta before work.”

Jay scrunched up his face, finally turning to look at Tyler. “Can’t we have free Burger King again?”

Tyler rolled his eyes, ruffling the eight-year-old’s hair. “That was a one time thing, bud, I told you.”

The Joseph family was the closest they'd had been for a while right now, which Tyler was immensely glad about. Not only that, but both Tyler and his mom had steady(ish) jobs, which was a welcome change. Tyler’s mom had gotten into retail, and Tyler guessed she was going out with some colleagues tonight. He was glad she was loving it. He liked seeing her smile, and he liked being her rock around the house. They’d developed a kind of easy relationship following what had happened, something that was finally _stable_. He was also spending more time with his siblings, though Zack was currently out at quote unquote 'football practice,' which Tyler doubted very much. Tyler didn’t push it though; after all, when Tyler was sixteen, he was spending nights in certain fast food chains and running away for weeks at a time. And, you know, kissing boys. So. Checkmate.

Anyway, Tyler himself worked all the hours possible to keep himself in fresh clothes and buy himself Taco Bell whenever the opportunity arose, and now, it seemed, for gas to put into his Malibu. Which meant shifts at the utter mess that was the local Burger King under Ross Mitchell, whose slacks were of alarming tightness, and who was way, way too handsy.

Tyler sighed, then headed into the kitchen to retrieve the macaroni. He got to work with preparing all components required for mac and cheese, humming something under his breath and sliding around on his rainbow socks. He had an abundance of energy that Friday evening, which was odd, but he wasn't complaining. He had changed to some different meds recently, and he grudgingly supposed they were steadying his moods significantly, but still. He wouldn't exactly call taking meds ideal. 

He  was just putting the water-filled pot on the stove as his phone buzzed with a text;

 **Joshie:** _hey! how’s ur friday evening going!_

**Me:** _hm._   _why u askin_

**Joshie:** _i’m just tryna check in with my favourite boy ok_

Tyler smiled to himself, the pasta forgotten momentarily as he leaned on the bench. 

**Me:** _pretty good now innit_

**Me:** _how was ur run?_

**Joshie:** _good! I’m in a lot of pain so I’m counting that as a win. You got work tonight?_

**Me:** _Yup. Come order smthn later so I don’t get bored_

**Joshie:** _u bet. gotta make sure that ross is far away from my mans_

**Me:** _ughhhhh don’t remind me_

**Joshie:** _literally just say the word and I’ll take him out_

**Joshie:** _i’m at your beck and call sunshine, just say when x_

Tyler grinned. _I’ll keep that in mind. gotta go get changed ttyl_

**Joshie:** _how sexy_

**Tyler:** _go beat off into a sock_

**Joshie:** _:-*_

Tyler rolled his eyes and shoved his phone back into his pocket, before dumping the pasta into the pot and leaving it to boil. 

“Tell me if you smell something burning,” he told his siblings as he made his way back down the hallway and into his bedroom. They didn’t answer. 

His finished admissions essay was waiting on his desk when he got back. Well, a copy of it; the real thing had been submitted four days ago, much to Tyler and his mom’s nervous excitement. He had really tried not to get his hopes up too much; a full ride didn’t seem to be incredibly likely at this stage, and the Joseph family wasn’t exactly rolling in it. Tyler swallowed nervously as he reread the essay for the millionth time, eyes skimming over words that had been so meticulously pored over. Even after all that it still felt a little messy, a little imperfect, but wasn’t that just so fitting? Anyway, he wasn’t sure it would get him into college, but he thought Josh would like it. So what if his boyfriend wasn’t on the admissions committee? Tyler let the paper drift back onto his desk, then turned around and slowly retrieved his uniform from it's crumpled pile at the bottom of his closet. 

Tyler Joseph. A student, fighting for the college of his choice, fighting for college at all as the money troubles that were supposed to be passing were taking their time to do so.  It was a well known fact to those who knew Tyler that his top college choice was Ohio State. It was decent and it was local, and that was really all Tyler wanted. He wasn’t interested in studying far away, or getting some high end education from some Ivy League school. He’d visited the OSU campus multiple times, and he supposed he had his heart set on it. It would be easier to know for sure if Josh would finally sort himself out and start planning some concrete things for when school was over. He always just seemed to brush it off, somehow sidestep the conversation every single time. 

He’d talk when he was ready, surely. But, then again, he was Josh.

Tyler was distracted as he slipped his uniform on, shoving his cap on over his curls and studying himself in the mirror for a moment. His uniform always felt oddly askew for some reason. It had just never looked, or felt, right to Tyler. Maybe Burger King uniforms didn’t suit anyone. 

It would take Tyler fifteen minutes to get to work, but he planned to stop on a grocery run beforehand, and with a quick glance at his watch he figured he should be leaving, like, now.

He was almost out the door when he realised he’d forgotten about the pasta. That could be Zack’s problem now, he figured as he shot the sixteen year old a quick text.

_ Josh’s POV _

Josh woke up on the couch later that evening, disoriented after a nap he hadn’t even realised he’d fallen into. He’d all but collapsed on the couch after his run, and not even Jordan playing Fortnite in the room over had been enough to wake him. Oh, the woes of teenage-hood.

It was almost six now, and Josh, still groggy, stumbled into the kitchen. He grabbed some orange juice, noticing the note his mom had left on the fridge. He guessed she was on the night shift at the hospital tonight, and he shoved the note in his pocket with a sigh. _Be patient with yourself, Joshie._

Josh guessed that meant he should take a long, hot shower. So that was what he did.

Once Josh was certain that he was in the mood to get on with his future, and certain that his skin would for sure disintegrate if he stayed under the hot water for a moment longer, he stepped out. He quickly and half-heartedly dried his body and tragically faded hair, then threw on a t-shirt and a pair of boxers and made his way to his room.

With a dejected sigh, Josh sat in front of his laptop at his desk, taking in a deep breath. 

His essay. Tonight. 

Josh spent a good ten minutes writing stupid shit that got him nowhere, then backspacing it. He'd made about a thousand pathetic starts, all of which seemed to inevitably trail off into meaningless ramblings. It just felt like such a chore now, which is precisely what Josh had been trying to avoid. How the hell did people just… do this? Or, moreover, why was Josh having so much trouble?

_I don’t really know that I want to go to university. I don’t really believe that I measure up to your other applicants. That’s the truth._

Josh didn’t think he had a particularly compelling reason why any expensive college should accept him. Tyler would get in anywhere he wanted for sure; Josh had finally read Tyler’s essay the previous week, shortly before Tyler submitted it. He still remembered the opening lines, which Tyler had spent weeks putting the final touches on; 

_Here's what I know about the realm of possibility - it’s always expanding, it's never what you think it is. Everything around us was once deemed impossible, from the airplane overhead to the phones in our pockets to the two boys kissing outside the doors of the church. As hard as it is for us to see sometimes, we all exist within the realm of possibility. Most of the limits are of our own devising. And yet, every day we each do so many things that were once impossible to us._

Yeah. He was probably already accepted. He was _gifted_. Josh wasn’t. At least, it didn’t feel that way. He was applying to all these schools because... why? Because he was stuck. Because he didn’t have a job, or an apprenticeship, or the money to travel. Because he was sentimental.

College. Yeah.

Josh took a deep breath. If Tyler could write his essay even though he was still reeling from everything, what the fuck was his problem? 

He supposed he was ambivalent about college. Ambivalent. That was a Tyler word. Yeah, he was ambivalent. Maybe he was going through a phase. Maybe phases were important. Maybe phases told people something about themselves.

Josh sighed. It wasn’t like any of that helped his current situation, was it? He was on the brink of fucking up his entire future, and there didn’t seem to be anything he could do about it, because he didn’t _know_ what he wanted. How could he know? Why couldn’t he figure it out? What he hell did he want? It was like he was sitting on the edge of a precipice, legs swinging over the side carelessly as people begged him to come back.

Josh got up. He ran a tired hand through his hair, paced around his chair a few times. Chewed his nail. Walked over to the window and opened it as far as it could go, looking out over the street below. Dusk was settling over the rooftops as far as he could see, streetlights flickering to life and casting shadows onto the road below. It all looked so calm and quiet, and Josh closed his eyes momentarily, trying to absorb the goodness. He was pulled out of his half-hearted meditation when his door nudged open, and Jim wandered in. The dog jumped onto Josh's bed, laying down and resting his head on his paws . Josh stepped over to stroke the dog, absentmindedly scratching at Jim's sweet spot behind his ear. Then Josh leant down to look Jim in the eyes, a seriousness coming over him as he regarded the dog. Jim stared back expectantly, wagging his tail a little. Josh swallowed.

“I don’t want to go to college,” he said.

_ Tyler’s POV _

"Fuck, fuck, fuckkk..." Tyler pulled haphazardly into an employee carpark outside Burger King with less than a minute before his shift began. He didn’t hesitate in throwing open the car door, jumping out and slamming it shut while expletives continued to stream from his mouth. Normally Burger King employees were not this pressed about being late - and it wasn't like Tyler was even late yet, which was surprising considering how long it had taken him to get through the agonising Friday night check-out. Anyway. He was pressed because he knew exactly who he was dealing with. He could already feel his skin beginning to crawl as he locked his car and started to jog towards the back entrance. He slipped inside right on 6, taking a deep breath as he approached the lion’s den. He just needed to clock in, please, _please_ don’t let Ross notice him-

“Joseph!” came a yell as Tyler passed the closet that served as Ross’ underwhelming little office. Tyler tried to turn in time, he really did, but he didn’t quite manage to beat the hand that snaked out of the doorway to slap his left butt cheek.

Tyler closed his eyes. “Jesus, Ross. We’ve talked about this. I _will_ go to human resources.”

Ross embodied every quality one would expect in a Burger King manager in his late thirties. His awful feathered moustache was way too on the nose for Tyler’s liking. Ross scooted out of the doorway to regard Tyler in his spinny chair, making a sad face and whimpering faux tearfully, “I’m Tyler Joseph and my pussy hurts.”

“For fucks sake, Ross-“

“You’re late.”

Tyler frowned. “No, I’m not.”

“Almost. I could write you up for that.”

“I’ll only be late if you hold me here and stop me from clocking in.”

Ross leered. “You want me to hold you, is that what you’re saying?”

Tyler turned to the pad on the wall installed with the time-keeping app, realising too late his back was to Ross, who took the opportunity to slap Tyler’s _right_ butt cheek. “Get onto that drive-thru. Hayley's been complaining about her knee since she got here.”

Tyler sighed as he clocked in. _Only a few more months._

Hayley didn’t look up when Tyler entered, eyes trained on her fingernail as she picked at it. 

“Hey. Ross wants me to take over here.”

“Ross wants to look at your ass in that uniform, is what he wants,” Hayley said, glancing up and grinning. Tyler rolled his eyes, shoving her playfully. Hayley was a year older than Tyler, and was taking a gap year in which she was doing essentially nothing except dying her hair every other weekend and getting off early to go to gigs.

“What happened to your knee?” Tyler asked, making sure the drive thru was empty.

Hayley winced, limping towards the doorway. “I really don’t know, but it hurts like a bitch. Gonna get it checked tomorrow. Have fun tonight.”

“Impossible not to, right?” Tyler smiled waving her off before settling himself up at the window. 

The rush of Friday night was currently in a small lull, which Tyler was grateful for. He pulled on his headset over his cap and hummed as he scooted over to the window, making himself comfortable for his shift.

He was in for a long night. But that was okay; he always zoned out after around the 4th customer, falling back on his natural instincts and giving himself time to think about things. And it wasn’t like he hated doing this; he was at the cash window tonight, so all he had to do was ask for cash or card and then, well, take the money. And some customers weren’t assholes. Some were willing to partake in actual conversation, which Tyler appreciated. He hated feeling bored more than anything; he always had. He even put up with Ross poking his head around the door every 5 minutes.

“All good?” he’d ask, for literally no reason at all.

“Yup.” Tyler didn’t look up this time, picking at his thumbnail and willing for a car to drive up like, now.

Ross paused for a moment. “Got a complaint yesterday.”

Tyler looked up at that, frowning confusedly. “What? About _me_?”

Ross nodded solemnly, then grinned. Tyler honestly didn't think that anyone's smile could make them as ugly as Ross's smile made him. And Tyler let himself have that opinion because Ross was a self proclaimed 'Sex God,' which translated roughly in Tyler's ears to 'Sexual Predator.' So. “Yeah," Ross continued, "they said they felt uncomfortable being served by someone so beautiful.”

_Ugh_. Tyler pretended to gag. “You should really stop.”

“Nah, it’s too fun. Nothing else to do in this place.” He went to go say something else, but Tyler noticed his prayers had been answered in the form of a car coming around the corner, and turned back around to face the window.

“Got a customer. Seeya.”

Ross nodded at that, finally leaving. Tyler cleared his throat, speaking brightly into his mouth piece. “Hi, welcome to Burger King. Please place your order.”

“Hey, can I get uhhh… you undressed in my backseat in ten minutes?” Josh’s low voice filled Tyler’s ears, and the younger boy bit back a grin, leaning back in his chair.

“We’re freshly out, sorry. Can I interest you in some onion rings?”

“God no, do you even know me at all? Chicken fries all the way.”

Tyler rolled his eyes, warmth flooding him suddenly. God, being in love was fun. “Don't be dramatic, Joshua."

"I'm not. Come love me."

"That's 2 dollars. Would you like anything else today?”

“Yeah. Get off early and make out with me.”

Tyler rolled his eyes. “You’re relentless.”

“Can you at least shout me the chicken fries?”

“Nah. Don’t fancy being fired.”

Josh huffed at that, driving forward slowly until he reached Tyler's window. Tyler leant forward, adjusting his cap as Josh slowed to a stop. The older boy lowered his window, pouting in Tyler's direction.

“2 dollars, innit.” Tyler paused then, staring at what Josh was wearing. "Is that my hoodie?"

"Nope. It's my hoodie that you stole. I've reclaimed it for the afternoon, if that's alright with you." Josh absentmindedly handed over a handful of change from the middle compartment, still sulking. 

"That's... that's not how it works, Joshua."

"It was 130 bucks!" Josh protested, and Tyler shrugged.

"Shoulda thought about that before you got romantically involved with a gold digger."

"Funny." Josh glanced up then, catching Tyler’s eye. “Are you doing anything tomorrow?”

Tyler considered for a moment. “Nope. Why?”

Josh grinned. “American Beauty is playing at the drive-in tomorrow night. Wanna go?”

Tyler nodded, handing over 20 cents change. “Sure, dog breath. I’ll be at yours at 7.”

“Sounds Gucci.” Josh went to drive forward, then hesitated, looking back up at the younger boy. Tyler didn't like the look on his face; far too tempting.  “You sure you don’t wanna take up my offer?” Josh said quietly, studying Tyler.

Tyler smiled a little. “Don't tempt me. I don't get off for ages yet. You’ve got me tomorrow night though, promise.”

Josh pouted, then finally drove forward to collect his goddamn chicken fries.

Tyler stared at his receding car for a moment, slumped forward at the window as another car approached. The sky looked pretty that winter night; all soft and faded, contrasting nicely with the neon glow of the Burger King sign. Tyler went into autopilot as he attended the next customer, his mind wandering, as if often did, to the day he'd get out of here. He smiled good-naturedly at a middle aged woman in a Buick, all the while picturing himself moving to some pretty coastal city, maybe San Fransisco or Miami, working on his music and being completely and utterly _free_. 

The woman cleared her throat when Tyler held onto her credit card for a moment longer than necessary, and the eighteen year old apologised profusely as he handed it back, wishing her a good night. _Oops_. He sighed as she drove forward, rubbing a hand over his face. He was glad Ross wasn't watching then, but it wasn't his fault. It just felt so good to imagine it; he’d get a small apartment with Josh, he thought, and they’d cook Mexican food and play uno and have sex whenever they wanted. 

But Tyler still had to graduate before all that. And Josh had to get his shit together.

_And maybe then the guilt would be gone._

Another car pulled up to the window, and Tyler swallowed as his mic crackled to life. He couldn’t think about that. He couldn’t let that get on top of him, not when it was all finally going so well.

“Hi, welcome to Burger King. Please place your order.”

_ SATURDAY - Josh’s POV _

Josh had his rituals on weekends.

Well, something of that nature. It was mostly just Crunchy Nut and his phone, a morning run, showering and procrastination, lunch, study, which would inevitably turn into Netflix, which would inevitably turn into a nap.

That was more or less how Josh’s Saturday had panned out, which had led to him standing in the kitchen with mussed up hair, eating a pop tart as he prepared to head out to the drive-in with his boy. He looked old school today; black high tops, black chinos, and his vintage colorblock button up that he knew Tyler hated.

His mom came down the stairs just then, yawning and heading straight for the coffee pot. Her shift had ended late; Josh barely saw her most Saturdays. “You look nice, Joshie. Got plans?”

“Mhm. Going to the drive-in with Tyler.” Josh finished his pop tart and ignored his mother's disapproving look at his choice of dinner.

Mrs. Dun rolled her eyes, sipping her coffee. “That’s cool. What’s playing?”

“American Beauty. Tyler’s never seen it.” Josh knew his distraction was obvious, chewing on his thumbnail and scrolling through his phone. Jim wandered into the kitchen then, sniffing casually at his bowl as if he didn't have the weight of Josh's biggest secret on his shoulders.

Josh's mom frowned, noticing her son's discomfort. ”You've been distant lately. Josh. What's wrong?"

Josh glanced up. ”Who, me? There's nothing ever wrong with me. Don't you know that?"

Josh’s mom rolled her eyes. ”Is that sarcasm? Now I know there's definitely something wrong. You've been a little different lately, I’ve noticed. Like there's something eating at you."

Josh sighed. ”Yeah, well maybe I'm figuring a few things out."

"Like what?” Josh’s mom took another sip of her coffee, eyes locked intently on her son.

Josh took a deep breath. ”Like… like how I'm not sure if I want to go to college, for one."

Josh’s mom froze. ”What? Are you serious?”

"Can we not talk about it? Please." Josh combed his hair with his fingers and started biting his thumbnail again.

"You haven't done that since fifth grade," his mom said softly.

"What?"

"Bite your fingernails.”

Josh sighed, tilting his head up to regard the ceiling. She was right; Josh had fallen back into the habit only recently. “I just don’t know what I want.”

Josh’s mom shrugged. “That’s normal.  I know you’ll make the right decision in the end, Joshie.”

Josh hummed in response, scratching the back of his neck. He wasn’t so sure.

It was 6:58 when Josh heard Tyler knock on his door. Josh snapped out of his stupor and grabbed his jacket off the bench, heading over to the entrance. Tyler opened the door himself then, immediately tackling Josh into the kind of hug that melted ice caps.

“Hey,” he whispered, voice muffled in Josh’s shoulder.

“Hey,” Josh responded softly, threading his fingers through the hoodie strings of his boyfriend. He took in the feel of Tyler; his scent, his warmth, his skin - all of it. It really worked wonders on Josh's worries, he observed. “Let’s go.”

Tyler nodded and pulled away, threading his fingers with Josh's as he pulled him outside and towards Josh’s car. Josh felt warm feelings settle over him as he glanced around him, taking in the quiet Saturday night dusk in the suburb. He was glad to be out of the house, despite the bitter edge in the wind that paced the streets. A drive with Tyler was exactly what he needed. The brown-haired boy was the only thing Josh wanted to think about, right then. He supposed he was just sick of thinking about himself all the time. 

Josh went to open his door at that, but before he could Tyler tugged him close, pushing up and kissing him again. Josh kissed back, of course he did, then looked Tyler over, a little concerned smile on his face. “You all good?”

Tyler nodded, shrugging. "Just missed ya." At that he made his way around to the passenger side door, hands in pockets.

Josh pondered the younger boy for a moment as he got in himself, turning up the heat and rubbing his hands together. Tyler did the same, his black beanie snug over his chocolate curls. Josh had a particular soft spot for this current look; a yellow hoodie over the beanie paired with ripped black jeans, Vans, and those damn rainbow socks. The two of them sat in silence for a moment, Josh deciding against starting the car quite yet. 

_I could tell him. Right now. I could just tell him what’s going on._

_I should tell him._

“How was Ross yesterday?” Josh asked instead, a teasing smile tugging at his face.

Tyler sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. He looked a little tired at the mention of his work; worn out. “More of the same. I dunno why he even bothers.”

God. Now Josh felt bad for bringing it up. A year and 3 months of dating this boy had made him admittedly protective, and he genuinely hated the idea of someone else thinking of Tyler in that way. Especially a 30-something year old Burger King manager; just the thought of it made Josh shudder. He often wondered how badly Tyler needed the job to put up with Ross’ bullshit. Pretty fucking bad, he guessed.

Josh sighed. “God, it makes me wanna scream. Why ya gotta be so pretty?” With that he started the car, gesturing to the aux with a tilt of his head. 

Tyler understood this, quickly grabbing Josh’s phone and pressing his thumb to the Touch ID. The phone unlocked and Tyler opened Spotify, humming softly under his breath. They were goals, no doubt about it.

The music started momentarily, and Josh glanced over at Tyler with a smile before flicking his eyes back to the road in front of them. The glow of sunset was settling on the horizon as they made their way out of the suburb, and it really was something wonderful - the kind of view that made Josh want to just take a deep breath and empty his mind of everything. Namely _fucking_ college bullshit. 

He glanced back over at Tyler then, who was singing along dramatically and twisting in his seat. The road spread out ahead of them, and Tyler began to harmonise with the music surrounding them, and it was so beautiful that all Josh could do was look over in awe. 

_Sometimes, I hate that you know me so well..._

Josh drummed along against the steering wheel, smiling so much it ached. When Tyler was in a good mood, he had to admit life was considerably better. The younger boy was just relentlessly _adorable_ , and it was just what Josh needed right now. And, you know, all the time. Tyler kicked his feet up on the dashboard, changing the song to something cheesy by Taylor Swift, and Josh grinned to himself as he drove towards the evening's destination. What could he say?  He was fucking blessed.

\------------------

The drive-in was just the right amount of full, Josh decided as he pulled in. Tyler was still humming quietly at this point, looking around him in curiosity. It had taken them a good half hour to get here, which had mostly been filled with more singing and a few snarky comments about Josh's shirt from Tyler ( _It's fucking ugly, Josh. It just is. No tea, no shade, it's awful.)_  Anyway, Josh parked in quite a secluded spot a little way away from the other cars, but still what he hoped was close enough to see the screen. It was pretty much dark at this point; clouds were rolling in thick and fast, and were obscuring any potential vision of stars. Which was a shame, Josh thought, because Tyler always got all cute and introspective when they watched the stars. It was the younger boy's second favourite date idea, lagging a fair bit behind Taco Bell. 

Josh was out of the car at this point, going round to the back seat and tugging out arm-fulls of blankets, then grabbing Tyler. Within moments he was hopping onto the hood of his car, setting the blankets out around him messily. Josh turned around to hold a hand out to Tyler, but the younger boy had already hoisted himself up, eyes bright as he glanced around. The two of them settled themselves amongst the blankets strewn everywhere; Josh leaning back against the car windscreen with his arms behind his head, and Tyler sitting nearby, legs crossed, looking at the massive screen in wonder. Josh smiled absentmindedly, cocking his head.

“You warm enough?”

Tyler hummed in response, glancing back with a smile. “Yeah, you?”

Josh pretended to consider, giving Tyler an elaborate wink. “A little chilly, if I’m honest.”

Tyler rolled his eyes, and Josh took that as a go-ahead to grab the younger boy by the waist and pull him into his lap. Josh's arms settled around his middle, chin rested on the honey-hued boy's shoulder. Like routine. Like clockwork. 

“There it is,” Tyler said, and Josh simply grinned,his heart full as kissed at Tyler's cheek. Tyler pulled the blanket over the two of them, settling to find a comfortable position. It sure was warmer, Josh noted.

“I gotta say, you’re a welcome distraction,” the older boy murmured, absently playing with Tyler's fingers.

Tyler scoffed at that, eyes trained forward as the massive screen flickered to life. The place truly was cool, Josh decided. It felt so old school, and it was super fucking romantic. Or whatever.

“Figured as much, Joshua." Tyler interrupted Josh's thoughts, and it took him a moment to figure out what his boyfriend was talking about. "I trust those college apps are coming along?”

_I'm not going to college. I'm not going to college. I'm not-_

Josh sighed. “Sure. Yeah. Just peachy.”

Tyler twisted round at that, giving Josh that _look_. 

Josh sighed. “It’s just… it doesn’t come naturally to me, y’know? Not like with you. You’re incredible without trying.”

Tyler smiled at that, gently kissing Josh on the forehead. "You are the sweetest boy in the world . And - don't take this the wrong way, but maybe it's not such a bad thing that you're going through a crisis. Maybe it's a good thing."

Josh screwed up his nose. "I'm going through a crisis?"

Tyler rolled his eyes, poking Josh in the ribs. Hard. "You're an idiot. But you are the sweetest boy in the world.”

Josh grinned at that, and Tyler turned back around as he heard the movie begin. 

It was a good film, Josh was sure, but he really couldn’t help being a little preoccupied. He was a teenager in love at a drive-in, for God's sake. As much as he tried to keep up with the storyline, his eyes slowly became less aware of the movie and more aware of a certain boy in his arms. 

“Fuck, you’re beautiful,” Josh sighed eventually, pressing kisses to the back of Tyler’s neck. He felt Tyler shiver at that, which he couldn't help but find endearing. 

“Yeah, tough guy?” Tyler said teasingly.

Josh rolled his eyes, resting his chin on Tyler’s shoulder and sneaking a quick kiss to his cheek. God. How could a single person be so irresistible?

“Watch the movie, Joshua,” Tyler mumbled. He twisted around slightly to kiss Josh, all the while his soft eyes never leaving the screen. He pulled away after a moment, and noticed the small whine that left Josh’s lips as he did. Josh pouted as his smile grew.

“Jesus. Did you really just bring me out here to make out, Joshua?”

Josh’s cheeks immediately heated up at that, shrugging as he wrapped his arms a little tighter around Tyler. He hadn't initially, really, but now he had to admit it was the only thing on his mind.

Well, not the only thing.

Tyler took Josh’s silence as confirmation and leaned in, their foreheads meeting as Tyler turned his body a bit more in Josh’s lap. Josh's breath caught a little.

“Wanna kiss me?” he whispered.

Josh nodded, brushing their noses together as a small “yeah” escaped his lips.

Within seconds, Tyler was smiling and pressing josh’s cheeks together in his warm hands. They moved slowly together, a flow of ease filtering through their bodies. Tyler trailed his hand up, brushing his thumb up and against Josh’s ear, humming into the kiss. With satisfaction, Josh helped Tyler fit more comfortably in his lap, making their chests face together. His hands found Tyler’s hips, grazed across the soft skin there. 

Then he pulled away.

“I need to tell you something,” he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> genuinely so sorry for how long this took aaaaa i was having a bit of a crisis bc i've got so much to fit into this story and i didn't think about the fact that....most of this is supposed to take place in like the following autumn months so yeah idk what i'm doing and it might get a bit messy and end up with a lot of time skips but bear with!! i have plans!!


	4. four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> not even gonna apologise for how late this chapter is tbh.. y'all get it i'm lazy xox hope u enjoy it tho

_ Tuesday - Josh’s POV _   


Josh hadn’t told him.

It was playing over and over in his head as he made his way outside through the lunchtime crush. Josh had decided to just miss lunch completely that day, opting to meet his friends in their spot and steal something from Ashley. He’d been late out of math, staying behind and forcing himself to ask for clarification on a trig problem that seemed like another language. 

Tyler hadn’t waited. Josh hadn’t expected him to; he knew the younger boy was still a little put out about what had happened at the drive In. Josh had tried to backtrack as best he could, feigning a bunch of excuses as to why he wasn’t going to tell Tyler, but the young boy had persisted. Jokingly at first, until he realised Josh wasn’t budging. So he pushed harder, but Josh _still_ couldn’t get himself to do it. _Not yet,_ he kept telling himself. _Nothing’s certain yet._

Still, though. He kept asking himself the same questions; why hadn’t he told him? Why was it such a big deal to him? Would Tyler even care?

What the fuck was he so _worried_ about?

Josh slipped his hands into his hoodie pockets, pressing his lips close together and watching his damp converse nudge through the grass of the field. The clouds overheard were swollen with unfallen rain, the wind pushing half-heartedly through the trees surrounding the perimeter of the field. God, he was sick of the cold. Winter days could only be considered poetic for so long.

It was a quiet lunch break for Josh and his friends. The group was spread out under Their Tree (unofficially, but still) in the far corner of the field. They went there almost everyday, regardless of weather, which was something Josh was kinda beginning to rethink. 

Ryan was the only one who acknowledged Josh’s arrival, lifting his head slightly in greeting. He was scrolling tiredly on his phone, head resting on Brendon’s shoulder. He mumbled something every once in a while, and giggled when Brendon would mumble something stupid back.

“Sup.” Josh sat down and settled against the tree with his eyes closed, listening to Ashley hum in greeting beside him as she took slow, deliberate bites from her pop tart. Tyler hadn’t arrived yet; Josh guessed he’d stopped to grab some lunch, or maybe he was messing around in the music room.

Or maybe, it became apparent a few moments later, he was waiting for the perfect moment to sneak up on Josh and give him the biggest fucking heart attack of his life.

“What the _fuck_!” Josh hollered, eyes snapping open as he jolted forward, away from the hands that were so cruelly attacking his ribs. Tyler consequently cracked up, which set off the others while Josh tried to recover. He had that kind of laugh. Infectious. Tyler scooted closer, giggling as Josh regarded him with a put-out expression.

“What’d you do that for?” he huffed, leaning back against the tree again.

“Tryna spice up your lunch, babes. You all look fucking depressed.” Tyler’s doe eyes squinted at him playfully, before he leaned forward and planted a kiss to Josh’s lips. “I got you Chips Ahoy, so you can’t be mad.”

“Get a room,” Brendon groaned, getting an airy chuckle from the boy laid gently against him. Josh just grinned back at Tyler, feeling a weight lift off of him as it became apparent that Tyler was no longer mad at him. Well. Not as. 

“So no interrogation today?” he said, pulling the Chips Ahoy packet open as Tyler leaned back beside him.

“Nope. Figured you’ll tell me when you’re ready. That said you are very dramatic, and should fucking tell me no matter how bad it is, but…” he shrugged. “I’m not pushing it.”

Josh didn’t answer, just studied Tyler for a moment as he ate. He was glad Tyler wasn't pressing any further, but that didn’t make the ache in Josh’s stomach any less. Maybe him and Tyler would be able to work it out together, but it was getting a little late for that. 

Brendon gasped. “Don’t tell me. You’re gay, Josh?”

Josh put his hands up in surrender. “Fuck. Ya got me.”

Tyler nodded slowly. “S’okay, bro. I respect your lifestyle. Just don’t try any gay shit on m-“

Josh cut him off with a kiss to the lips, his grin eventually prevailing as he pulled away. “Yeah. That’s what I thought.”

“Not to ruin the moment, but it’s fucking cold as balls. What are we even doing out here?” Brendon said rather loudly. He wasn’t wrong; it felt kinda stupid to be sitting outside in weather like this, but then again, it was their thing.

Ashley scoffed, folding her arms. “At least you fuckers can cuddle to preserve body heat. You’re all dating each other. I need a mans ASAP. Or a womans.” Ashley shrugged, sighing dramatically. 

“Sorry ‘bout it.” Brendon grinned, leaning over and planting a kiss on Ryan’s cheek. Josh rolled his eyes, then promptly blushed as Tyler leant over and mimicked the process on Josh’s cheek.

“See, this is exactly what I’m talking about!” Ashley huffed, crinkling her nose. “It’s not a competition. I get it, you’re all are fuckin’ PDA champions.”

Josh poked her teasingly. “Aw, little Ashley wants some action. C’mere.” Before she could protest Josh pulled her into his lap, wrapping his arms around her and rocking her back and forth. “Better?”

“Most action I’ve gotten for months is from a taken gay guy, and I’m not even mad about it. I really am desperate,” Ashley said, kissing Josh’s cheek and grinning at Tyler. “I’m stealing your man, Ty-Ty. He switched teams for me.”

Tyler just held up his middle finer, not looking up from his phone. “You can have his cuddles, but you’ll never have his dick.”

“Ooooh my God. Oh my God.” Josh knocked his head back against the tree, blushing as Ashley’s laughter set everyone off. Tyler blew him a kiss, and Josh just screwed his face up mockingly. 

“In all seriousness, can we go hang out in the art room or something? I hate being cold,” Ryan said, shoving his phone in his pocket and getting to his feet. 

“I second that,” Ashley said, following suit and turning around to help Josh up.”C’mon, babe, I’ll serenade you.”  
“Hell no. Not your indie shit,” Brendon huffed teasingly, to which Ashley replied with a shove to his chest. 

Most of Josh’s friends were up and walking now, so he decided to follow suit. He was planning on walking behind Tyler and taking in all that was his sweet Joseph ass, but for some reason Tyler waited a moment, then grabbed ahold of Josh’s wrist. His slender fingers wrapped around it with some sort of finesse as he tugged Josh in the opposite direction to everyone else, and Josh didn’t even question it at first, but he had to eventually.

“Uh, Ty-“

Tyler looked back, then just smiled mysteriously.

“Wait and see.”

Josh rolled his eyes, but picked up his pace all the same.

_ Tyler’s POV _

“Okay, guess this one.” Tyler thought for a moment before prepping his hands on the keys of the piano. A rough but recognisable tune filled the room, and Tyler glanced across at Josh with a smile. The older boy was laying across the rank music room couch, eyes trained on the ceiling beside the piano. They’d been in here together for almost half an hour. Tyler had decided to surprise Josh by playing a new song he’d been working on for him, to which Josh had given Tyler that soft look of his. Tyler had to admit to being proud of it; he was thinking of calling it Taxi Cab, and it was one of his favourite songs he’d even written. Josh had wholeheartedly agreed. He always did.

“That’s easy.” Josh rubbed the hem of his shirt between his fingers. “All American Rejects. Move Along.”

Tyler nodded, turning slightly on the stool and crossing his legs. 

He and Josh often played this game when they got bored; Josh guessing what song Tyler was playing. It was one of Tyler’s favourite things. He began to sing absent-mindedly, concentrating on his fingers until he saw Josh sit up out of the corner of his eye. He faltered, glancing over at Josh’s questioning look.

“I don’t even know what you want to study,” he said.

Tyler frowned, smiling confusedly. “What?”

“At college. I don’t even fucking know what you want to study.”

Tyler ran a hand through his hair. “Uh. Guess I never mentioned it.”

“I never asked, did I? How have I never asked my boyfriend what he wants to study?” Josh fell back onto the couch, a sigh escaping him. “I suck.”

“I never asked you either,” Tyler pointed out.

“Hm. That’s different.”

Tyler didn’t ask why. Instead he got up, settling on the opposite side of the couch. “I wanna major in English,” he started, tugging at Josh’s shoelace. “But I also wanna study music, for maybe theory or composition.” Tyler sighed, blowing the air out between his cheeks slowly. “If Dad was still alive, he’d tell me it won’t earn me any money and I’ll be wasting my tuitions.”

Josh sat up, facing Tyler and poking his shoulder gently. “Nah. He’d have realised how amazing you are by now.”

Tyler rolled his eyes, smiling lightly. Josh was wrong, but it was cute how he tried.

“Play that song again,” Josh said then, gently shoving his boyfriend off the couch and towards the piano.

“Rude.”

“What? I like it.” Josh blew him a kiss. “And give me an analysis of every lyric, too.”

“The lyrics are open to your own interpretation, Joshua.”

“This dick’s open to your own interpretation, Tyler.”

Tyler grinned as he sat down at the piano. Stupidly happy.

_I wanna crawl inside your ghost, and fill up every hole inside my mind…_

Josh’s POV

Josh was still thinking about that song.

It was last period now, finally, and he was trying to concentrate in an English class that felt particularly draining. He really was trying. They were doing a film study on _Dead Poets Society_ , and Josh was kinda just ready for it to be over. The following May couldn’t come soon enough.

Okay, it could. But still.

Josh glanced up for a moment, noticing the teacher leave the class with papers in her hand, clearly going to get some photocopying done. The blue haired boy quickly spun around in his seat, grinning at Tyler as an idea popped into his head.

“Hey. Wanna go to the park after school?”

Tyler smiled, relaxing visibly in his chair as he regarded the older boy. He was scrolling through his phone while the teacher was out, and Josh could see Brendon copying Tyler’s analysis notes while the younger boy was pre-occupied, that fucker. “Sure. Can we go on the swings?”

“Duh.” Josh grinned. “Why else would we go to the park?”

“Appreciate nature?” Brendon offered, then sighed as Tyler swatted him away from his desk. His eyes flicked between Tyler and Josh briefly before a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “Or each other. Me and Ry do that all the time.”

“Gay,” Tyler said, not looking up from his phone and earning a scoff from Brendon.

“So, what? You’re saying you’d rather appreciate nature than me?” Josh said, slightly put out. 

“Nah. You’re pretty.”

Brendon scoffed. “Well that was pretty fuckin’ gay of _you_ , Tyler Joseph.”

“Well, duh. I like boys.” Tyler looked up then, catching Josh’s eye. “I’ll go. But only to appreciate you.”

“Stop that,” Josh said, smiling a little.

Tyler held his hands up in surrender and did this _thing_ with his adorable crooked little smile. Josh swore he had the entire world on it’s knees.

But that was the thing. The more in love with Tyler Josh felt, the more anxiety he felt rise inside of him. He couldn’t imagine being away from this boy for long periods of time. He couldn’t. What was he thinking? He had to go to college. He-

“God, I’m tired.” Tyler laid his head on his desk and turned to look up at Josh through his half lidded eyes. He yawned, which Josh thought was, again, far too cute for his own good. Fuck. “Wake me up when the bell rings?”

“Of course,” Josh promised. “Of course.”

Josh spun around then, trying to at least feign interest in the worksheet he’d been given. The teacher still hadn’t returned, and Josh surely wasn’t complaining about it. He really wasn’t feeling it that particular Tuesday. But when did he ever?

Time passed surprisingly quick for the remaining 20 minutes of the lesson, and before Josh knew it the class was up and rushing towards the door. Josh hadn’t gotten any work done at all; the whole college debate in his head was pretty consuming. He always thought it wasn’t for him, but he knew Tyler was. So what was he supposed to do? Get a job on Tyler’s college campus so he could see him everyday? Why did it have to be so hard? Josh stood up wearily, and noticed right then that Tyler had actually fallen asleep, his head resting on the desk. The teacher filed out of the class behind the students until it was just Josh and Tyler left, Josh shaking his head in disbelief at the younger boy.

“Hey.” Josh lowered himself to Tyler’s level, gently tracing his forearm. “Time to go,” Josh whispered, offering Tyler a tiny smile and chuckle as the younger boy’s head shot up. 

“Hm? Already?” Tyler rubbed at his eyes tiredly, and Josh helped hoist the boy to his feet. Tyler yawned, twice, then threaded his arm through Josh’s absent-mindedly. “To the park then, my good sir.”

_Yeah. Fuck yeah._ Josh felt his cheeks warm as he grinned like a complete idiot and walked out of the class with Tyler. His problems could wait till another day. He had swings to attend to.

_ Tyler’s POV _

They sure did go on the swings.

Tyler didn’t take long to get into his rhythm, gaining momentum as he kicked his legs back and forth. The air had a slight bite to it, and Tyler had the sleeves of his Super Mario Kart hoodie pulled over his knuckles, gripping the swing hard. They’d arrived at the park not two minutes ago, and Tyler had sprinted over to the swings as soon as he’d gotten out of the car, Josh trailing behind him. He’d been so weirdly excited to come here, for some reason. He hadn’t been to the park for ages. He and Josh used to visit here often, when Tyler had gotten back. They would talk or sometimes just swing in silence, both lost in their private thoughts.

This was the place he and Josh had almost broken up, actually. 

Tyler stopped swinging abruptly, tearing his eyes away from the darkening sky he’d been fixated on. Josh looked over expectantly, still swinging at a leisurely pace.

“Sorry I yelled at you here last year.”

Josh tilted his head, smiling confusedly. “What?”

Tyler traced his toe along the bark below, carving a circle into the ground. “Remember? I got mad for no reason. Again. I think you were getting sick of it. You stormed off and drove home without me. Had to walk home in the rain.”

“Right, yeah. I remember.” Josh slowed his swing to a stop. “That was a bad day.”

It had been. Tyler closed his eyes for a moment, remembering how dark, how hazy those days had felt. He’d almost fucked up everything.

Almost.

_Tyler had been distant all day. Josh had noticed._

_The older boy was sitting on the top of the slide, looking at Tyler with a slightly put-out expression. Tyler had said something snarky; he couldn’t remember, but he could remember the look on Josh’s face._

_“I know you're not telling me everything,” the older boy said tentatively. “I know you’ve been through a lot. And I'm trying…” Josh took in a breath. “I’m trying to be with you… I want to be with you. I'm trying. And it’s just as hard for me as it is for you.”_

_Tyler didn’t say anything for a moment. The truth was, there was so much he wanted to say to Josh. There was so much Josh didn’t know. There was so much Tyler wasn’t even sure_ he _knew. What he did know, though, was that he should talk to Josh._

_But, for some reason, he scowled. He looked up at his boyfriend, and the words that came out of his mouth were tinged with ice. “It’s just fucking not, Josh. It’s not the same. I just want it all to be done with, and that’s my decision to make, not yours. You don’t get to know everything.”_

_Josh shook his head. “Don’t do that. Don't push me away.” Josh gave Tyler a desperate look.“I can’t lose you, Tyler.”_

_“Then just drop it, okay? I don’t wanna fucking dwell on it, and especially not with you. You’re my boyfriend, not my therapist.”_

_Josh scoffed. “What, so I don’t get to know anything?”_

_“What the hell else do you want to know?” Tyler shot back. He sure was glad the park was empty apart from the two of them._

_Josh jumped down from the platform he was on, hands shoved in his pockets. “What’s going on with you?” he asked after a moment._

_Tyler didn’t answer at once._

_“Are you off your meds?” Josh asked quietly._

_Tyler’s eyes shot up, jaw still set. “What?”_

_“You heard me. Your meds. Are you taking them?”_

_Tyler chuckled quietly._

_“Are you?” Josh prompted._

_“Yeah.” Tyler looked down. “I’m taking my fucking meds, Josh. I’m just… fucking upset. Are you gonna accuse me of being off my meds every time I get fucking upset for the rest of my life?”_

_“Jesus, Tyler! That’s the thing! You don’t have to be mad at me! I’m trying to help, and I’m sick of you acting like what happened isn’t a big deal. Because it is. To me. To_ us _.” Josh took a deep breath, running a hand through his hair. “You're going to have to face your problems, Tyler. You can't keep running. You have to talk to me, and tell me what’s going on. You never speak your fucking mind anymore.” He looked up then, meeting Tyler’s eye._

_“You don’t know what it’s like,” Tyler said._

_“So tell me! Tell me what it’s like.”_

_Tyler didn’t answer._

_And then Josh said it._

_“If that’s how you’re going to be from here on in, we should probably just end it now.”_

_And he'd turned and left._

Tyler’s legs kicked as he pushed himself again, building up some momentum again. He swung higher, and Josh joined in, equally quiet. Tyler didn’t have to guess what he was thinking about. 

“Let’s go on the slide,” Tyler said.

They dismounted smoothly, making their way over to the fort and the top of the slide. Tyler still felt bad about that day. Mostly because he hadn’t done anything about it, even now. He’d apologised, sure, but that was _all_. Josh didn’t press him anymore, so Tyler didn’t press himself either.

He probably should.

Josh went down first, settling himself on the scratched yellow surface and pushing off. His progress was slow, squeaking along haltingly, but eventually he was out of sight in the tunnel. Tyler waited a few moments, leaving enough time for Josh to dismount at the other end, before starting to make his way down the slide himself.

“Wait, don’t come down yet, I’m coming up,” he heard just as he let go of the top of the slide.

Somehow, Tyler managed to stop himself so that he was sat on the slide, although he could feel himself slowly edging down. He looked up to find Josh grinning at him.

“Well, this is awkward.”

Tyler didn’t realise what he meant until he realised that his eyes were level with Josh’s crotch.

“I have no idea what you mean. It’s not much of a view.”

Josh grinned further. “Not what you said last night.”

“Oh, shut up.”

Eventually they both made it to the bottom, and there they remained for a moment.

Tyler turned to Josh then, a thoughtful look on his face. “Why’d you wanna come to the park, anyway?” he asked, nudging the older boy. Josh shrugged, then leaned back onto the bark behind him until he was lying down, looking up at the clouds. Tyler did the same. The sky was still overcast, and Tyler couldn’t tell where one cloud ended and another one began. Inscrutable. They lay in silence for a moment, taking it all in. And then, like routine, like clockwork, Tyler felt the back of Josh’s hand pressing against his own. Slowly, the hand turned and threaded it’s fingers with Tyler’s, the thumb immediately moving to run over the soft knuckles.

And he seemed, well, like he was his. Like he was Tyler’s particular person. Because nothing was perfect in this stupid, hate-filled, piece of shit world, but moments like these were still his, still theirs.

“I’m terrified of the future,” Josh said suddenly.

Tyler didn’t say anything. He knew.

“It’s gonna be okay.” Tyler’s voice was quiet. He didn’t know. 

“We’ll figure it out, I guess. It’s just… scary. What if I fuck everything up?”

Tyler smiled softly. “Long as you get those apps in, you’ll be fine.”

Josh closed his eyes, squeezing Tyler’s hand gently. “Yeah. I will.”

Josh’s voice had lost some of the enthusiasm from before, and Tyler was desperate for it to return. Tentatively, he squeezed Josh’s hand. Josh waited for a moment, looking down. Then he squeezed back lightly, the gesture so small Tyler wondered if he’d imagined it.

_ Josh’s POV _

Josh’s avoidance was border-lining excessive now. Fuck, it was almost comedic.

_God, who fucking cares?_ he thought. _Why am I like this?_

He just felt kind of lost. Everything was so much easier before. All of his friends seemed to be adapting with these coming changes fine - fuck, Brendon was even talking about moving back to Las Vegas. What was Josh so afraid of? And what was he so afraid to let go of? 

“You doing anything else tonight?” Josh asked Tyler quietly, looking up at the sky. They’d been lying on the damp bark for a hot minute now, and it was digging into Josh’s back uncomfortably.

“Yeah.” Tyler slipped his phone out of his pocket, checking the time. “Got therapy in half an hour.”

“Oh.” Josh was a little surprised at this; he knew that Tyler went to therapy regularly, of course, but Tyler very rarely brought it up. Josh had always respected that - Tyler needed time, and therapy was a kind of healing that Josh wasn’t a part of. “How’re you getting there? I can drop you off, if you want.”  
Tyler shook his head, sitting up now and staring into the smudge of a horizon. “Nah, that’s okay. I’ll catch the bus.”

Josh frowned, pulling himself up as well and looking at Tyler. “It’s no problem T. We can go get Taco Bell or something after, if you -“

“No.” Tyler turned to look at Josh then, the firm tone in his voice startling the older boy slightly. “Look, J, you know how I feel about it. Just because we’ve been dating for a while doesn’t mean I’m obligated to let you into every part of my life, y’know?”

Josh just stared at Tyler, the words stinging a little. Well. Okay. Josh rubbed at the back of his neck, a little awkward. “Yeah, of course, it’s up to you. I just… wanna be more involved.” 

“I’m not sure you do.” Tyler replied, eyes still fixed on anything but Josh.

Josh sighed. The thing was, he _did_. Badly. He knew Tyler trusted him, but at times like this it really didn’t feel like it. They’d been so open with each other before the events of last November, and they still mostly _were_ , it was just…

“It’s been over a year, Ty,” Josh said quietly. 

Tyler didn’t reply.

It was awkward now. _Good one, Josh._ The blue haired boy stood up in silence, picking up his bag and swinging it over his shoulder. He avoided Tyler’s eye, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I should probably get going. Unless… d’you need a lift to the bus stop, or something?”

Tyler just chewed his lip, standing up slowly and crossing his arms over his chest. “Um. No, I don’t. But, Josh…” 

Josh glanced at him, feeling, for the first time in ages, a weird space between them. Tyler screwed up his nose, pushing his shoe across the ground again. “God. I seem like an asshole.”

“It’s okay,” Josh assured him. He turned to go, listening to Tyler curse under his breath. He didn’t stop him though, and Josh still felt a little rebuked as he walked towards his car. He was only trying to be a good boyfriend. Maybe he was still learning what the right thing to do was, and that wasn’t his fault. Or Tyler’s.

Josh was still thinking it over as he heard Tyler’s voice behind him, then approaching footsteps.

“Wait, J.” Tyler jogged to catch up, sighing. “Stop.”

Josh did, looking over expectantly.

Tyler bit his lip, meeting Josh’s eye in the fading light. “Can you… can you take me to therapy?”

Josh froze, making eye contact with the smaller boy in the faded car park. 

And he nodded.

“Yeah,” he said. “I can.”

_ Tyler’s POV _

There. He was trying.

The drive into the city was quiet. Tyler was glad, although he was conscious of Josh glancing over at him every few seconds. Tyler crossed his arms over his chest, looking straight ahead. “You don’t need to keep looking at me.”

“Sorry.”

Tyler glanced sideways at Josh, sighing. “Turn left at these traffic lights, then it’s up one more block.”

“Gotcha.”Josh followed Tyler’s instructions and pulling into the left lane. The radio was humming a quiet static, and Tyler reached forward and turned it off. He didn’t like the way it felt in his ears.

“D’you really not think it’s weird I’ve never taken you before?” Josh asked.

Tyler shrugged, looking out his window. “I dunno. Guess I never really thought about it at first. Then I figured it might just be better to keep it that way.” he sighed softly. “Besides, it’s easier to just not think about it.”

“Mm. And how’s that been working for you so far?”

Tyler shook his head, glancing at josh with a slight smile. “Don’t be cheeky, Joshua.”

“I’m just saying. D’you really wanna live in exile all your life?”

Tyler snorted. “Exile?”

Josh shrugged as he pulled a sharp left, a piece of hair falling in his face in the process. “Give me another word, and I’ll go with it.”

Tyler traced a finger along the window, frowning slightly. “What do you want me to say? That I’m sad?”

“I mean, that’s a start.”

“Well. I am sad.” Tyler turned back to Josh as the older boy pulled over outside the tall building, parking abruptly and turning to look at Tyler.

“I know. And it’s okay.” He leaned over to kiss him quickly, then opened his door and jumped out. “C’mon.”

Tyler followed suit, in a slightly lighter mood knowing Josh didn’t think he was a piece of shit. Frankly, Tyler wouldn’t blame him. 

Tyler lead the way up to the waiting room, stepping purposefully in front of Josh until the older boy jabbed him in the ribs. “Little shit.”

“You love me,” Tyler replied, then shut up as they passed a curt looking middle aged woman. They reached the doors to the centre momentarily, and once Tyler had checked in the two boys took a seat beside each other in the fluorescent waiting room. 

The room was welcomingly empty. The news channel was playing quietly on the radio, and Tyler made himself comfortable on his chair, his eyes on Dr. Heaton’s closed door. He supposed it wasn’t so bad having Josh there with him, but it still felt _weird_. Like two different planets colliding. Josh picked Tyler’s hand up after a moment, playing gently with the younger boy’s fingers. He did that sometimes. He had this dreamy look in his eye as he looked around, and he had a fucking piece of leaf in his hair from the park. _Absolutely chaotic._ Tyler shook his head to himself as he picked out the leaf, flicking it onto the ground. 

“You’re a mess,” he said affectionately, leaning his head gently on Josh’s shoulder. Yeah, maybe he should’ve let Josh take him to therapy earlier. He trusted this loser more than anyone. It was himself he didn’t trust. 

“You don’t have to wait if you don’t want to,” Tyler said quietly as Josh pinched playfully at the skin between the younger boy’s fingers.

“Nah, it’s okay. I just downloaded Hungry Shark Evolution, so.” Josh shrugged, apparently oblivious to just how irresistible he was.

It was at this moment that Dr. Heaton opened his door, eyes landing on Tyler immediately. Tyler felt a blush flood his face as he stood up, averting his eyes as he smiled goodbye to Josh andwalked toward the little office.

Tyler had only been back at therapy for a few months. His mom had allowed him a small break over the summer, but had insisted Tyler go back once school started up again. 

“I just want to make sure you keep on top of things, Ty,” she’d said. “I don’t wanna see you start bottling it all up again.”

So here he was, back with the therapist he’d had since sixteen. It felt odd to Tyler that there were still things they needed to work through after over a year, that there were still things Dr. Heaton didn’t know about him. It felt like there would always be things to work through, with him. 

“I was wondering when i’d see that face around here,” Dr. Heaton said as he and Tyler took a seat, a half-full mug of coffee on the table beside him. 

Tyler shrugged, picking at a loose thread on his jeans. His doctor knew a lot about Josh, through both Tyler’s mom and Tyler’s own candid sessions. Josh had influenced Tyler’s slow recovery more than he realised. Not like a cure; more like a comfort. Someone Tyler knew would stick with him, no matter what they faced.

“I guess. I just didn’t think it was worth getting him involved for a while.”

“And then?”

Tyler shrugged again. “He hinted at it today, and… I don’t know. It’s probably about time.”

“Fair enough. How’s this week been?”

Tyler told him. “Mostly okay. There’s the occasional bout of self hatred, but…” he shrugged.

Dr. Heaton rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I’m gonna need a little bit more than that. What’s going on?”

Tyler shrugged again, hands tucked in his pockets. “Nothing, really.”

“You’ve been making real progress with the whole guilt thing lately, Tyler. What’s changed?”

“I don’t know. It’s just… half the time I automatically hate myself for the things I've done," Tyler said slowly. "But the thing that makes it really messed up is the contradiction: when I'm not hating myself, I feel righteous and victimised. Like the world is unfair.”

“That’s understandable. I wouldn’t expect you to think the world was being especially easy on you.”

“It’s not easy on anyone. I forget that. I get caught up.”

Dr. Heaton nodded solemnly. “I’ll tell you what,” he said, leaning forward. “Sometimes it’s okay to get caught up. It’s all processing, however your mind decides to do it.”

“Do you think i’m improving? I’m less of a mess as I used to be, right?”

Dr. Heaton snickered. “C’mon, you know the answer to that. You’re doing really well.”

Tyler sighed extra deeply. “I just wanna be normal before college, y’know? As long as I can function like a normal human being by the time I’m in college, I’ll be fine.”

“Well. That’s a mindset we can work with.” Dr. Heaton shrugged. “You’ve got lots of coping mechanisms in place already. Long as you remember to apply them, you’ll be fine.”

Tyler nodded as his doctor regarded him for a moment, then continued.

“So. Are you nervous about college? How are your applications and things going?”

Tyler nodded, sliding his finger along the arm of the chair. “Good. Really good. I’m aiming for OSU.”

“OSU? My sister went there. Third largest campus in the US, isn’t it?” 

Tyler nodded, scratching the back of his neck. “Yeah. It is.”

“Wow. That’s a lot to handle. But, you know, you’ll be a normal human being by then, so no worries.” Dr. Heaton winked. “How’re the meds going?”

_ Josh’s POV _

Josh had just unlocked the hammer head shark by the time the door opened and Tyler stepped out, hands in his pockets, thanking who must be his therapist.

Josh quickly switched his phone up and stood up, sliding it back into his pocket. The man who’d just come out with Tyler was eyeing Josh as Tyler made his way over, and Josh flashed him a nervous smile. _Does he know who I am?_ That made Josh randomly warm as he glanced back at Tyler. He liked the idea of Tyler letting his therapist know who he was. He liked being part of things. 

“Yo. How’d that go?”

“It went okay. Still working towards not being a piece of shit.”

Josh rolled his eyes, slipping his hand into Tyler’s and tugging him towards the exit. “You’re the cutest piece of shit I’ve ever met.”

Tyler huffed mockingly. “There’s more to me than my looks, Joshua.”

Josh grinned as he took the stairs two at a time. “I know. But the looks are such a bonus.”

Tyler snorted. “C’mon, I was thinking about chalupas the whole time I was talking about my problems.”

They were at the ground floor now, and Josh pushed open the heavy glass door into the now dark street. Tyler ducked under his arm, and Josh followed the younger boy outside, wrapping his jacket on tighter. “Jesus, I always forget how much I hate winter.”

The two of them were the only people on the street, the rooftops casting long shadows on the dark pavement. Everything was so muted. Josh had never liked it. Winter seemed to have a way of settling into his bones most uncomfortably.

Josh reached into his back pocket for his keys at that, then felt his heart immediately drop into his toes as his fingers met nothing. “Oh, fuck.” He frantically began to check his other pockets, patting every fraction of himself down like fucking airport security, to no avail.

“Please don’t tell me the reason you’re feeling yourself up is…” Tyler trailed off as Josh nodded grimly. 

“Sorry. They musta fallen out of my pocket up there.” Josh ran a hand through his hair, sighing dramatically. “Fuck’s sake, Josh.”

“Is it weird I find it endearing when you talk to yourself?”

Josh grinned, glancing behind him. “Okay, I’m gonna go check upstairs. Stay here, I’ll be right back.”

Tyler nodded, leaning back against the car. “Gotcha. I better be getting the supreme meal, though.”

Josh nodded solemnly, backing towards the building. “Whatever you want, baby boy.”

“I just vomited in my mouth,” Tyler called as Josh pulled the door open for the second time. He made the trip up with a slight smile on his face, eyes peeled for his keys. No sign of them on the staircase.

When Josh reached the floor Tyler’s therapist was on, he stopped to let a solemn looking teen girl pass through the door. She shot him a shy smile as she put her earplugs in her ears, and Josh returned it. It had been his resolution this year to smile at strangers more. Tyler had thought it was stupid.

“Save them all for me,” he’d said.

Honestly, the reason Josh did it was because he didn’t want to come across as angry. Even when he felt angry. Which was becoming more common, and he didn’t know why.

He was back in the waiting room now. He’d only been gone for a moment, so he prayed they hadn’t been suddenly stolen. Maybe the teenage girl from before had snatched them. Josh wouldn’t know.

But there they were. He sighed in relief as he saw them sitting in the crease of the chair he’d been waiting in. He quietly walked over and retrieved them, trying his hardest to remain inconspicuous to the secretary. 

“Yesssss,” he whispered to himself as he grabbed them, then wheeled around in shock as someone cleared their throat behind him.

Tyler’s therapist was standing in his doorway, an eyebrow raised. Josh noticed right then just how much this guy looked like Denzel Washington. It was uncanny, really.

“Forget something?” he said.

“Uh, yeah.” Josh dangled his keys between his fingers, making awkward eye contact. “Keys.”

The guy nodded. “Daniel Heaton, by the way. I don’t mean to keep you; it’s just quite interesting to see the face behind the name.”

Ah. So Tyler _had_ talked about him. Josh rubbed the back of his neck, smiling a little. “Oh. Well, I hope you’ve heard good things.”

The dude nodded, checking his watch. “Of course, of course. It’s been good for Tyler to have someone he trusts to talk to. He’s a good kid.”

“He is,” Josh agreed. “I better, uh, go meet him actually.”

Dr. Heaton nodded in understanding. “Sure. Have a good night.”

“Yeah, you too.” Josh turned at that, clutching his keys as he made his way back down. Huh. Interesting. He figured he could probably have been less awkward, but what are you supposed to say to your boyfriend’s therapist? _Sorry, Tyler barely ever tells me anything, but thanks for whatever you’re doing._ Josh sighed as he reached the ground floor for what would hopefully be the last time, stuffing his hands in his pockets. He pushed the door open with his shoulder, a greeting to Tyler on his tongue until he realised there was no one fucking there.

Josh frowned, slowly walking towards his car in confusion. He glanced both ways down the street, but there wasn’t a soul in sight. _What the fuck?_ He stepped towards his car, looking all around the area. He glanced inside the car, in case it had been unlocked the whole time and Tyler had gotten inside to wait. But he wasn’t. He wasn’t anywhere. Josh glanced behind him, back into the foyer of the large building; nothing. He checked nearby doorways to no avail.

“Not tonight,” he muttered, getting out his phone and opening the phone app. Where the hell could he have gone in such a short time? Did he get impatient and start walking Taco Bell by himself? 

Had something… happened?

It wasn’t rational, not really, but Josh couldn’t help worrying for a moment. He always did.

Josh rubbed at his eye with his free hand as he pressed on Tyler’s name in his call log, holding his phone to his ear and listening to it ring.

“Oh. Hi.” Tyler’s voice was kind of quiet, and Josh tilted his head up to the sky as he spoke.

“Hey. Uh, mind telling me where you are?”

“Sorry. I got bored and went for a walk around the block.”

I mean, c’mon. Josh was hungry. This just felt a little unnecessary.

“I was gone for _two minutes_.”

“I said I’m sorry. I’m coming back now.”

Josh sighed deeply. “Ok. I’ll turn the heat on in the car.”

Tyler ended the call, and Josh stared at his phone for a moment as the wind blew through his jacket. It wasn’t like things like this were new. Josh had always been aware of Tyler’s impulsive side; for a while, it was a part of Tyler’s personality that Josh had had trouble coming to terms with. He rarely thought things through, and that got to Josh a lot, especially…

_That November._

God, it had been hard. It had really pushed Josh over the edge, because he felt like there was nothing he could do. Insignificant. That was how he’d felt.

Tyler had gotten a lot better. But sometimes, when he was thinking too much, he’d go back to his ways and just… walk. Like he didn’t know how to stay in the same place for too long.

Josh unlocked his car then, slipping inside and slamming the door shut. He shoved the key in the ignition and turned the heat on full blast, crossing his arms tightly. He glanced out his window to see if anyone was coming, but the sidewalk was still empty.

“C’mon, c’mon, c’mon,” he muttered. It had been a pretty eventful evening, and Josh was absolutely ready for his Crunch Wrap Supreme and Baja Blast. He also had a shit ton of biology homework to get done, but he wasn’t about to bring that up with Tyler. He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel rhythmically. He noticed that his nail polish was coming off, and he smile involuntarily at the memory. Him and Tyler had been lying in bed together, Josh biting his nails absentmindedly as they caught up on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

“You should really stop that,” Tyler had said softly.

Josh glanced up suddenly, frowning. “Hm?”

“Biting your nails. They’re just stubs now.” Tyler took Josh’s hand, inspecting it for a moment. Then he paused the show and swung himself out of bed, padding down the hallway in bare feet. He’d returned a few minutes later with his sister’s nail polishes, grinning like a little kid.

“What d’you think you’re doing?”

“It’ll help you stop biting them. C’mon, choose a colour.” Tyler jumped on the bed excitedly, putting the box between the two of them and sorting through it.

Josh had rolled his eyes, but went along with it all the same. The things you do for love, right?

Josh had chosen white. Tyler had spent the next five minutes in absolute concentration, tongue poking out a little bit as he coated each of Josh’s short nails, and Josh had felt so full of love he thought he might combust. Tyler had even finished it off with a coat of glitter polish. “Just to make sure,” he’d said, but he hadn’t had a chance to finish, because how could Josh _not_ kiss him?

Anyway. It was chipping off a little bit now. And Tyler had been right; the taste of nail polish hadn’t boded well with Josh’s tastebuds, and every time he’d gone to bite his nails he’d been reminded. Maybe he’d get Tyler to redo them.

Just then, he noticed a small figure round the corner up ahead, head ducked low against the wind as they walked. Josh watched for a moment as Tyler neared him, then opened his door and got out, crossing his arms against his chest. God. He thought about how freezing Tyler must be, and softened a little bit.

Tyler glanced up as he approached, his face a little bit sheepish. He just walked straight into Josh’s arms, and Josh let him. He was, in fact, very cold.

“Hey there,” Josh said.

“Hey. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Ty.” Josh rubbed his arm a little bit. “How was the walk?” he whispered.

“I don’t know. Cold. I was just thinking about stuff. I’m sorry.” 

Josh shook his head, kissing Tyler’s forehead gently. “No problem. Let’s go.”

Tyler nodded, and neither of them hesitated as they got into Josh’s car, smiling gratefully at the warmth.

“So. TBD?”

Tyler grinned, clicking his tongue before kicking his feet up high on the dashboard. A Taco Bell Date; established the previous year, and one of their rituals that happened at least monthly. “You never even have to ask, Joshua.”

_ Tyler’s POV _

Tyler’s mom was in the living room when he arrived home. 

“Hey,” he said, dropping his bag by the counter. It was almost 7 o’clock now, he noticed on the oven clock. He hadn’t realised it had gotten so late. To be fair, he and Josh had spent a fair amount of time at Taco Bell. And they’d made out for a while afterwards. So.

His mom glanced up. “Oh, hey Ty. Did Josh bring you home?”

“Yup.” Tyler wandered absently into the kitchen, beelining for the coffee machine. He probably shouldn’t be having caffeine this late. He was going to anyway.

“That was good of him. How was your appointment?”

“Fine.” Tyler stared at the coffee machine for a moment. Was it worth the effort? Nope. He opted for instant coffee instead, turning and heading to the pantry. Maybe he’d throw in a digestive biscuit as well, just because.

“Fine as in… worthwhile?” Tyler’s mom was up now, heading towards the kitchen for what looked like a proper interrogation. She often did this kind of thing now. It was sweet that she cared, Tyler supposed, but he kinda just wanted to take a shower and catch up on his history homework.

He shrugged, retrieving a spoon from the first drawer down. “I guess so. I don’t know.”

“Well. I think it will be. It’s really important that you learn to cope with things properly, Ty.” She crossed her arms over her chest, leaning against the doorway of the kitchen. “It’ll help you to move on, y’know?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know.” Tyler could feel the conversation heading into territory he didn’t particularly feel like going into. His mom was studying him intently as he waited for the jug to boil, spoon in hand. Man. He just wasn’t in the mood.

“I just… I just don't want you to let what happened last year dictate the rest of your life, Ty,” she said softly.

Tyler stiffened. 

Even though he and his mom had a good thing going, and even though they talked often, and even though Tyler didn't keep a lot of secrets anymore, there were still things they never talked about. Talking wasn’t always easy. Even for talkers. Which Tyler wasn’t. 

Anyway, his mom never mentioned what happened last year. It was an unspoken rule between them. What happened was enough to taint anyone's life, turn it dark and murky. Those months were marked with a permanent dark smudge in his mind. She couldn’t blame him. His eyes fell shut and all of a sudden he was back there, on that bridge, the cold on his body, tears pouring down his face.

Tyler’s fingernails dug into his palms deeply, eyes fixed on the floor. “Mom…” 

"I'm sorry," Tyler’s mom said quickly. “I know. I didn't mean to - you know.“ She reached out to rub her son’s arm gently. He let her.

"I just want you to be happy, baby," she said quietly. 

"I know," Tyler said. "Just let me do things my way, okay?”

_Do things my way._ Tyler sighed as he turned around to make his coffee. How had that worked out for him so far?

Doing things his way meant shutting the people he loved out because he was scared. Doing things his way meant avoiding his feelings at all costs. Doing things his way meant pretending everything was fine, and that he was content with his life, because _God_ he wanted to be. 

Doing things his way meant harbouring secrets until it ached.

The truth was, he thought to himself as he added yet another spoonful of coffee to his personalised JoJo Siwa mug, there were… other things. Things that had happened that no one knew about. Not his mom. Not Josh. Not even, really, himself.

Tyler shook his head firmly, as if to clear it. Then he sipped his coffee, and consequently burnt the roof of his mouth.


End file.
